"Eavesdropping in the Boys Club II"

Could your relationship survive the pregnacy test?

2012-01-03T09:26:00.000-08:00

Before I get started and explain the title above, I would first like to wish each and everyone of you a very Happy New Year! Many of you have written to me inquiring about my absence and I appreciate your letters. To those whom were left to simply wonder, I have been busy preparing (finally) for the release of the book "Eavesdropping in the Boys Club". I will provide further details later.

However today I would like to talk to you about something different by far. Hopefully you will find it as interesting as I did.

Recently, I was out with several friends and co-workers and as usual we began talking about relationships, with women on one side of the topic, my male friends on the other and me right square in the middle. Lol!

One of the females who worked in a different department is a 30 year old very attractive young woman who has been married for 4 years. Happily married as she explained it.

During the conversation she explained a very fascinating plan that she had created to determine if a man was really worthy of being with her or not. As men in the group cringed at this revelation I sat in awe as this young woman described how she set about eliminating men from her life that she simply thought were a waste of her time.

She stated that she came up with the idea while she was in college. During her sophomore year her roommate had become pregnant. She stated that she was very close to her roommate and the roommates boyfriend. For days she stated that she watched her roommate struggle with how to inform her boyfriend that she was pregnant as if it was all of her fault, if there was any fault at all.

She went on to tell us that she had known these two people since high school and even there they were a couple and as with everyone that knew them she thought that they were destined to be together forever anyway. So, she thought one night as she went to sleep, whats the big deal?

The next night her roommate returned to their dorm room hysterical. The boyfriend had accused her of cheating on him among other things to include trying to trap him into marriage. She said her roommate was inconsolable, crushed by the turn of events. The roommate dropped out of school the next day to return home.

My friend stated that she saw the boyfriend from time to time and that he could never even look her in the eye, let alone speak to her. To her he simply became a piece of shit!

During this time, she stated that she had a boyfriend of her own and that they had talked about this situation while it was going on. He had admirably informed her that had it been her that was pregnant, that they would have discussed it to determine what was best for them all. She said, being a 19 year old girl, this sounded really good to me.

As the year passed, she said that she still couldn't shake the emotions that she had in regards to her roommates situation. She said that she spent countless hours unable to sleep and in her restlessness she decided that before she allowed any man to waste too much of her time only be determined that he wasn't worthy, he'd have to pass a simple test.

She went on to say that it started with her boyfriend. They'd been dating exclusively for approximately 2 years and he swore that he loved her. One night she went to his house and proclaimed that she was pregnant. She said that upon hearing that, the blood completely drained from his face. She thought that he was going to pass out. After gathering himself, she said the first thing out of his mouth was, "Is it mine?"

She stated that she quickly did an about face and informed him, "No, it's not!" She said that she quickly marched out the door, crying all the way to back to her dorm. According to her, he called and she refused to answer the phone. He also came by but she refused to answer the door, apologizing through the door for his words. She said he even stood outside her classroom waiting for her to come out so that he could talk to her. Nothing he could say would make her come back to him because she said she now knew exactly who and what he was.To her, he wasn't a man, but merely a boy whom constantly wanted men type of fun, but none of the responsibility in the event things went wrong.

She said that she took a break from men and didn't date seriously until she was began working on her Masters degree. While working on her Masters she was employed as a Cosmetics Counter Manager at a large Mall. There she met a young store manager and they became a couple.

She stated that he said and did all of the right things to attract her and her family loved him as his loved her. He was way on his way to becoming a General Manager for the company he worked for, owned his own home which he begged her to move into. She stated that she refused telling him it was too soon, even after almost a year of dating. Loving the guy for her was an understatement, she was head over hills in love with him at this point.

They had, she said, many conversations about their futures and how his vision was for her to be a stay at home mom, while he provided for the family. However, many of those same sleepless nights would come and she would remember her roommate from college.

So, one day she said that she invited him to a nice quiet restaurant exclaiming that she had great news! He arrived, punctual as always according to her. He was excited and couldn't wait to share in her great news. She said that she looked him in the eye and with a smile so broad said, "We're pregnant!"

She said that there was no joy or excitement on his part. Actually, she went on, he got mad! Between the crowded restaurant and the waitress bringing their meal, he had to whisper his responses and they weren't nice. She said that he went on by telling her that it wasn't possible, that he had been careful and always utilized protection. He continued by informing her that it was her fault, stating that she was reckless, falling short of saying that she cheated on him. Which at that point she already determined that she would have hit him with her plate. He told her that he wasn't prepared to be a father and that he had plans for when he became one, to include being at the top of his profession.

Halfway through the meal she stated that she got up, dropped several hundred dollars on the table to pay for the meal and left. She said that he didn't call her or attempt to contact her again. Which by the way according to her was simply fine.

I asked her if it hurt for him to just walk away like that. She stated that she loved him and that was hard to not give in and call him and just talk, to give him the opportunity to explain since he had often talked about us being together with children. However, she went on by saying that in her weakest moments she would remember something her father told her as a kid. She said that he told her that the initial reaction is always the truth about how someone feels.

She said looking back on it, he wanted to control everything to include when and if we got married, how many kids, hell even me being a stay at home mother and wife. I wanted a partner, not another father in my life.

The third time she utilized this method of men elimination she said was approximately three years later. She said she had met a wonderful man through friends and that he lived in a nearby City which meant a long distance relationship to begin. She said that they met and she really enjoyed him because he seemed so genuine.

Soon he moved to the same town as her so that they could be together much more and really get to know one another. She went on that after being together for quite some time, she had fallen hopelessly in love with him and she was sure he felt the same way. She said that her feeling were so strong that she almost forgot about the test. However, when those sleepless nights came calling again, she tried to put it out of her mind because she was really afraid to lose him if he failed.

However, she felt it should be done just to ensure that she was being honest with herself and to make sure that she wouldn't be wasting anymore time on someone who really wasn't worthy of her. By this time, to make matters even more challenging, they had begun living together.

She said that she was trying to sleep and simply couldn't, she kept thinking about her roommate from years past and it bugged her. While tossing and turning in bed attempting to sleep, her boyfriend came home from work. She said that he came in a sat on the edge of the bed trying not to awaken her. Finally after a few minutes she rolled over and turned on the lamp in the room.

Before she could say anything, he asked her if she was alright. He said that he had noticed for the past several weeks that she had been tossing and turning in her sleep. She said that before she had known it, she had blurted out, "I think I am pregnant!"

She said that he dived across the bed grabbing her into his arms screaming, in delight! She said he told her over and over again how much he loved her. She was swept away by his kindness and affection to the situation.

However, she added that afterwords he wanted to make love to her without protection seeing that he thought that they were already pregnant with child. She said she had to tell him, "Hold on babe", we might be pregnant, we don't know just yet. Whereas he went on to tell her that he wanted her as his wife and mother of his children, forever.

When a few days later she informed him that it was a false alarm, she said he simply smiled and gave her a huge hug and kiss. Informing her that he still wanted to marry her. She stated that this very important day informed her that he was indeed the man she was going to marry.

A year later, they were married, however, not before she confessed to him about the pregnancy test. She stated that it was an awkward moment for them both, until he broke out in laughter and told her that with child or not, he had determined way before that incident that she was the only woman for him.

They wed and the rest is history and now that they do have a child together she states that he is the best husband and father anyone could ever ask for.

She stated that when she did finally get pregnant, he ran into the restroom and came back with a pregnancy test, exclaiming that he didn't want to get his hopes up again, to which she said that they both laughed.

Before ending her story, she did offer this advice. Her methods are not for everyone and she is sure that many may think it's like playing tricks on men. However, she felt that it is much better to determine how he feels while you are in a position to walk away, then to wait until you actually get pregnant and are left alone with a child by a man who tricked you into believing he really cared.

As for me, I am not sure I know exactly how I feel about this test. In one hand I think that it could be considered cruel and unusual punishment, on the other hand I think that it was simply her way of making sure that regardless of the situation that she was getting a man that would stand with her and not run and hide at the most important prospect any man can face, that of being a father.

If you love someone and you're sleeping with them, having a child could become a reality. What is unreal is the way some men face this situation. I for one being a father to a son whose mother I didn't marry refused to run and hide. We didn't get married, but I did my best to provide for them both. When she informed me that she was pregnant, I didn't blink, I did what my father would have done and accepted my responsibility. Because I stood up as being a man, and my true feelings for my sons mom, we are even to this day as close as ever. I love her dearly, because she gave me the best gift that any man could ever ask for, a child!

So now, back to the topic of this article, could your relationship survive the pregnancy test?

Why all women should have a relationship survival kit

2011-07-11T18:06:00.000-07:00

There is nothing on earth as frustrating as being at the whim of someone else. Especially when its someone that you have grown to know, fell head over heals in love with and without warning they radically changed. Damn, it makes me want to pull my hair out just thinking about it.

Many of you will suffer through this in your lifetime, a few of you will suffer through it more than once (because some learn lessons at a different pace). Hell, I went through this phenomenon myself. However, when I came out the other side I made an important decision about dating. Especially when the relationship moved to a point and you have that very important talk.

You ladies know the talk I am referring to. The one where the guy says, "Look, we spend all of our time together anyway. You have an apartment, and I have one. We spend all of this time sleeping at each others place, but we're paying two separate rents." Then he goes on a says, "Wouldn't it be better if we just moved in together?" "Think of all of the money we could save?"

Wow! You start to think maybe there is a future in this relationship and you as all women do, ask, "Are you sure?" However, inside you're bursting at the seams with excitement. You cannot wait to tell your girlfriends that he asked you to move in with him. You were so excited, you failed to carefully think this plan through and you really overlooked exactly whose apartment should you two move into. But, that's OK, because you're so happy whatever he wants to do is fine by you.

You can't wait to move in with him and make all of the modifications that will turn his place into a happy home, right? You should have read the fine print in the offer because this is a recipe for disaster filled with a hidden minefield.

When he brings saving money into the equation you need to know that's a red flag. "Think of all of the money we can save?" In real love money is not an issue. However, let me clarify that statement for you. If I really love you, then I want you to move in with me, not because it allows me to save more cash to buy more toys. I want you there because I want to wake up next to you every single morning. I want you to be the first person i see when I get up to start my day, and the last person I see and hold before I fall asleep. These feeling you make me have are priceless and money pales in comparison.

So, anyway you're thinking about how great it is to be able to live with him and he's thinking about the money he'll be able to save by sharing the rent, bills and expenses. Get the picture now? Yeah, you're really just a beautiful, sexy roommate that he has bedroom privileges with.

You on the other hand think that this is a prelude to marriage and you quickly begin to treat it just like that. You rush home to make him dinner everyday, you rearrange his apartment to make it more of a home instead of a bachelor pad and within weeks you convince him that you two need a joint account. Why? Because its what married couples do.

Now, currently he's still on board but what happens when he starts to feel crowded? You start to see a side of him you haven't seen before. He become irritable, starts coming home later from work and everything becomes an argument. The next thing you know, he's sleeping on the couch and you're crying yourself to sleep on a weekly basis.

Do you understand why this occurs? Believe me when I say that this happens everyday worldwide, so if its happened to you then rest assured you are not alone. It happens because you and he were never on the same page to begin with. The expectations of both parties were totally different and neither took the time to set up rules and expectations before the move actually occurred.

To make matters worse, when people live separately while they are dating there are loads of things they learn about one another over time. When you chose to move in together you learn a lot about one another very quickly and some of the things you learn you may not like. Living together you don't have that safe place to go to while you attempt to come to grips with his short comings as you would if you lived apart.

If you lived separately and a girl called him on the phone, you'd be a little upset, go home and think about it. He'd call and explain the situation and everything would be forgiven in most cases. If a girl calls him while you're living together, its a whole different emotion. You have no where to think this thing through except maybe another bedroom. Also, the thought that a girl called him infuriates you even more because now you're wondering if he's even informed her that he's in this makeshift marriage, uh, living with you.

When things get really bad and you simply cannot take it anymore (as he may be feeling as well), what are you going to do? It was really easy to get into this situation but getting out of it can be difficult. Where are you going to go? You gave up your apartment, remember?

This is the point where you should have had a "Single Woman's Survival Kit." Because when things get really bad, you'll be able to take complete control of your life and situation again. Trust me when I tell you that there is no worse feeling than the feeling of being trapped.

You've given up your apartment, your life, your freedom to make someone else happy and it just didn't work out. Now, you're sitting in the bedroom that you two once shared and he's drinking a beer on the couch watching sports after another silly argument. You feel trapped and confined and all you really want is to get out!

If you had planned ahead and had a "Survival Kit", you'd be able to do just that because you'd be prepared. Now, some will say, " If you're preparing for failure then it will do that, fail." However, we don't plan on having a auto accident, but we get insurance, just in case.

This survival kit, consists of some material items and a good deal of common sense. I'll give you a list I made up for you, it differed from the one I once had, but then again I am a man.

Item #1: A secret bank account:

I know, you shouldn't keep secrets in your relationship but this is basically insurance and believe me you may need it. You should place approximately $50.00 into this account every payday. The one thing that will be a hurdle for you is in the event that you feel as though you need to move out, is having enough cash on hand to get another place.

It sucks when you know that you once had a nice quiet place that you called home. It was your sanctuary, a place you could close out the world if need be. If you placed money into that account, you could find one quickly and move on. If not, it may take you a while to save up enough to move out. This means that you're subjected to many more months of frustration while trying to save something you could have already had.

Now, in the event that the relationship blossoms into something more as in marriage. Guess what? You can roll that money into an investment account, or utilize it to offset some of your wedding expenses. You can't lose by being prepared!

Item #2: Stockpile birth control:

Hey, until you are on your honeymoon it might be wise to protect yourself from an unplanned pregnancy. If your live in arrangement falls apart the very last thing that you need to discover is that you're expecting. Children are the greatest thing on this planet, however, caring for one as a single mom is a challenge.

A Professor once gave me this advice about sex. "Never sleep with a woman that you could not see as being the mother of your children." We all know that was not the case in some of the relationships I had over the years, however to eliminate the chance of an unplanned event I stockpiled condoms. Hell, when I was in my early 20's I think I purchased enough to give everyone at the Magnum plant a raise in pay. Lol!

There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself and making sure he's the right one. Then planning on having the child as a family, yep, you and he. Families can be only two people you know.

Item #3: Locate a neutral place to live together:

If a man requests that you and he move in together, don't move into his apartment or allow him to move into yours. If you're serious about it and he is as well, the two of you together go and locate a suitable neutral abode to begin your trial live-in.

However, and this is extremely important, discuss with him his expectations and explain yours to him. If you two accommodate one another, this thing could really work to both of your advantages and grow into the ultimate goal. If you fail to examine what you both expect your chances of success are quite slim. This is just a thought, but you may want to explain to him at this time that you have no plans of being a lifelong girlfriend and live-in lover. Just putting that out there, OK? Remember what your mom used to say, "Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?"

Item #4) Keep your Finances separate:

In the beginning do not under any circumstances intertwine your bills or credit. You should agree to pay your half and he his. The only thing that both of your names should appear on is the rental agreement.

You want to do this to give you an opportunity to see how he handles his finances. If you intertwine your finances and share an account, it may affect your credit score. If his score is low, you may get dinged or worse credit agencies may start calling you about his debts. This is a horrible thing to discover after you're living together, but it happens.

Each of you should select a utility and place it in your own names, making sure that they pretty much are equal in the amounts you pay monthly. To clarify this, you shouldn't be paying $200 in cable bills and he's only paying $70.00 for water and the electric bill. Understand?

Item #5) An Emergency Credit Card:

You should if possible obtain a credit card with a credit line of at least $500. This card is for emergencies only and you should only utilize it once a month. During this monthly usage, go out to dinner or purchase a pair of stockings or anything that you can pay the bill in full on its due date.

This practice keeps the card active and paying it off monthly helps your credit score. As i said above though, this card is for emergencies only! What I mean by this is that in the event you need to stay at a hotel after a severe argument, this is when you utilize it. Need to rent a truck to move out because the relationship is sour, use this card. In a sense, its a safety net.

If you've been setting aside money as in item number one and you have this emergency card you have your freedom intact. Regardless of the situation you can move on and any frustrations will be minimal at worst.

Conclusion:

Relationships are a risks, however that's what makes them so much fun. We also all know that without risk there is no possibility of reward. There is nothing wrong with hedging your bets by protecting yourself in the event that things don't work as planned. By covering your bases, its a win-win scenario for you. As I wrote above, if it works out then you have this small nest egg that you can utilize for something else. That something else could be whatever you want it to be, to include a nice Rolex for your new husband. I'm just saying. Men like nice gifts too.

How selecting a puppy is just like selecting a new man

2011-06-15T10:25:00.000-07:00

"This post is somewhat long, however I challenge you to read it because there is a moral to this story that you simply may not want to miss" ~ Anonymousmale1

How many of you have bought puppies in your life? You go down to the pet store and you're excited and apprehensive at the same time. You walk into the pet shop and you walk to all the holding pens looking for the puppy that you feel will be your perfect pick.

Many of the puppies are all giddy at the prospect that they could possibly go home with you. They do everything they can to get your attention. They run up to the window and jump around, bark sharply and whimper when you walk to the next window.

Then you spot one and he's excited and he's posturing just for you. You tap on the glass and he dances around panting and barking and as you smile he gets even more excited. You request that the shop employee remove him to allow you to play with him a bit to see if he is exactly what you want.

She guides you to a small holding area and soon return with this beautiful puppy that's eager to meet you as well. You take him in your arms and hold him, kiss him on the head pet him and play with him. He gets so excited he urinates, and you don't mind because you've already decided he's the puppy you'll be taking home.

You alert the sale associate that you'd like to buy him and she leads you through the isles as you select items he'll need, a bed, food, toys and a collar and leash. She then guides you to the register to ring up your sale which will total way over the amount you originally wanted to spend, but you're happy, he's happy and that's all that matters.

As you're standing in line while the associate completes the transaction, you look back at the small cubicle that once was your new puppies home. In the back of the cubicle you for the first time observe an identical puppy that you hadn't even noticed. He's sitting there now in the front of the cage watching you. He's watching you with eyes that say he understands, he's not bitter for not being selected and his expression shows that this is not the first time he wasn't chosen. However, he still holds the look of love in his eyes and its difficult for you to break your gaze away from him.

With your transaction completed you go home with your newly purchased puppy with the wagging tail and the cute bark. You soon forget about the puppy that was left behind.

You arrive at your home and you place the puppy on the floor and what does he do? He takes a shit on your brand new carpet, then he looks up at you with those loving eyes as to say, "Sorry about that". You forgive him of course and begin the task of attempting to house train him.

Days turn to weeks and weeks to months and there are times that his cuteness is wearing thin. Frustration sets in, how many pairs of your expensive shoes can he destroy. How many times can you step in puppy puddles in the middle of the night before you feel you'll go mad.

Your mom comes over and you know what your puppy does? He humps her leg, as a matter of fact, he humps every woman's leg that gets in his vicinity. people think he's cute and when you explain to them how difficult it has been, they tell you, "He's just a puppy, he'll grow out of it", secretly, you wonder.

He barks excessively, driving you and your neighbor nuts. Walking him is a chore, it always ends up with him walking you. He never listens to you and the only time he even appears to care is when you feed him. The rest of the time he's being destructive.

This goes on for months and you are at your wit's end, not to mention that this cute puppy now weighs a whopping 75 pounds. Now when he's walking you in the park, you pray that no one comes anywhere near you with another dog because if it's a male, a fight will surely occur. If it's a female in heat she doesn't stand a chance because he'll be on her and at his weight the chance of you keeping him off her is slim to none.

Finally you've had enough and you talk your cousin who has a house with a few acres of land into taking your once cute puppy off of your hands. You rationalize this situation by telling yourself that what he needs is a very large rural area to run around in. You tell yourself that your small 900 square foot apartment was simply too small for him and he felt cramped.

When he was finally gone you felt remorseful. For weeks you thought about driving the 3 hours to your cousin's house and taking him back. You miss him and it became difficult to sleep without him there to protect you and although he still refused to be house trained you felt comfortable and safe having him around. You felt guilty for sending him away and you hope and pray that he's happy, although you're miserable as hell.

Then one-day while reminiscing you walked through the park where he used to walk you. You though about the time when he basically drug you just to sniff a female dog that was out with her master. You still have the scars on your knee as a reminder.

While sitting on the bench with tears filling your eyes while you think about how much of a failure you are for not being able to make him happy something amazing happens. A ball bounces in your direction and you pick it up. Before you realize it a dog identical to your runs down the hill and directly up to you. You think it is a miracle and you cannot take your eyes off of him. He stops his run and slowly walks toward you as you are holding his tennis ball in your hands.

As he gets near and then directly in front of you he sits down and he gazes deeply into your eyes as you reach the ball out to him. Looking into his eyes you are startled, this is the same dog who while as a puppy stared at you in the pet store. He takes the ball and heads back up the hill to his master. You decide to follow to see who the lucky recipient will be.

When you arrive on the other side of the slop you watch in amazement as the dog returns the ball to the sales associate whom had rung up you transaction that day in the pet store. He returned it with such love and care that you instantly became envious.

Your curiosity gets the better of you and you decided to approach her. You had many questions you wanted to ask. Upon approach she recognized you instantly. After awkwardly explaining how you'd given your dog up, she explained to you how she'd selected it's brother.

She told you that day in the park that in the beginning there were 5 identical puppies in the pet store and that women just like you had selected the most aggressive of the litter. All had eventually given up on their puppies as they became dogs and had given them away or taken them to shelters. They simply couldn't control them or change their behavior.

She said that a few days after you had purchased your puppy she was cleaning the cage and after taking a long look into the remaining puppies eyes she decided she wanted him. She said that he wasn't excited, he simply sat back and watched everyone. She likened it to someone who was looking for a special place, a special home a special friend. She felt that she was special, so why not her and took him home.

She went on to tell you that she never had to house train him, he'd never been on a leash, never chewed anything in her home and only barked while they played. It was like he simply instantly knew what she wanted or needed. When she was happy, he was happy, if she was sad, so was he. She stated from day one she was never his master, but rather his life mate and they both enjoyed each others companionship.

Before you left you asked one last question. You wanted to know if her years of working in the pet store teach her which puppies turn out great and which do not? She laughed and told you that in reality she had never owned a puppy before. However, she went on, " Although I did look for the one I thought needed love as opposed to ones that only loved themselves".

With that she and her well-behaved, happy, obedient companion disappeared walking side by side, no leash necessary.

The Moral of this story is:

Many times this is how you as women select men as well. You walk into a crowded room and the man who catches your attention is the one that creates the most commotion. They draw attention to themselves in any and every way possible.

If you're at a bar or a Night Club these are the men the approach you offering drinks or to dance. If you're at school, these are the guys who approach you and want to start conversation. These types of men make a bee-line directly to almost every beautiful woman in their vicinity begging for you to take them home.

What you fail to notice is that generally they are in the company of another guy. The guy who never feels the need to make an ass of himself by humping your leg. This guy is the one who will not approach you or make a fool of himself. He quietly sits back and occasionally will make eye contact with you, but never for too long.

He is the guy who doesn't want the attention of every woman on the planet, he simply wants the attention of one. You've met him many times and generally you've been enchanted by the antics of his friend and when you return to their table his crazy friend will introduce you and he'll be polite but very soft-spoken. He won't say too much to you but he will answer questions if you ask. He and his friend probably rode to the party or function together and if you chose to go home with his friend he'll be in the car with you two (more than often the one driving, since he probably doesn't drink).

Watching him closely he'll probably open the door for you after his friend has already gotten into the car and dismissed this act as too gentlemanly for him. He's the guy that doesn't fixate on you, however you know that he looks at you differently.

He loves his friend but he really doesn't approve of his antics and in most cases the way he treats women as a whole. However, he keeps his thoughts to himself because even though his friend (the one you chose) has flaws, he loves him anyway because that's what friends are for. Friends love you regardless of how crazy you may appear to others, right.

When you get to their apartment (if they live together) he will simply disappear into his bedroom after wishing you good night. What you don't know is that he is laying in his bed watching tv, while you are becoming a one night stand to a man who wrote the term.

Later after you've been used and abused and his friend doesn't answer your calls anymore. You'll remember his friend and one-day you'll run into him at a mall or somewhere simple and he'll be in the company of a girl that he treats like a queen. You'll approach and he'll say hello and being the respectful person that he is he'll introduce you to his date. You'll ask about his friend since now he's avoiding you and he'll lie for him (because they are friends) but his eyes are too hones and you'll see that even this hurts him to do.

Guys like this are everywhere. They are the men that women think are myths and they really are not. They simply get overlooked because just like the puppies in the store, others require much more of your attention.

Why they don't stand out more is anyone's guess. Mine would be that many are simply waiting to be noticed by you. These are men who are shy, have been hurt or have a definite idea of exactly what they are looking for in a woman. Regardless of all of this, they are invisible to the women that so desperately need them.

So the next time you and your friends are out, try looking past the puppy that is doing all of the tricks to garner your attention. It's the puppy in the window who simply is waiting for you to recognize his true worth that you should be seeking. It's the man who needs someone to love him that is most valuable to your happiness, not the one that loves himself more than he could ever love you that will break your heart, again.

10 Chick Flicks that men love but won't admit

2010-11-07T01:15:00.000-07:00

I was sitting at home yesterday and my wife and daughter came in and in the middle of my weekly NBA game changed the channel so that they could watch a movie. Not just any movie either, but a Chick flick. Now I had a problem, I could roll off of the couch and leave my beautiful large 50" LCD high-definition TV to my daughter and wife and relegate myself to the small regular TV in my study, or keep my mouth closed and watch a movie that didn't interest me in high def.

What do you think I did? I chose to lay on the couch and pretend I wasn't really interested, but the picture (screen) was great. Later my wife asked if I enjoyed the movie and I quickly reminded her that having the opportunity to spend time with her and our daughter was worth sitting through an insurance convention.

However, secretly I really enjoyed the movie and this premise made me think. What are the best chick flicks that men love but won't admit they do to women? So for today I am creating this list and since these are all movies I have seen over time (especially when I was trying to convince my wife to date and later marry me) and although I may miss a few that many of you may have seen, feel free to write them in the comments section below.

Before I begin with the list first let me attempt to explain my interpretation of a Chick Flick if I may. Chick flicks to me are movies that generally center around creating some type of relationship, generally a love relationship. During the course of the movie they tend to touch on various deep seeded emotions that men seldom like to visit. Men don't like these because before you know it, you could have tears rolling down your face and the excuse that you've got smoke in your eyes won't cut it anymore because theaters are like everything else, non-smoking.

Regardless of how many times men hear that women love sensitive men, it's that feeling that we will look like a panty that scare us away from any emotional movie. That is unless it has some blood and guts in it and some great action scenes.

A great example of this is the movie Pearl Harbor. Most men were convinced it was about WWII, however, in fact it was a chick flick with the love story hidden behind the bombing scenes. Damn, sometimes men (we) are suckers, really.

Enough of all that, let's get down to the list of the "Top 10 Chick Flicks that men love and won't admit."

10) Something about Mary...

Yep! There really was something about Mary (Cameron Diaz) and Ben Stiller knew it too. Behind all of those laughs was one man who couldn't get the thought of a beautiful woman out of his mind years after High School. He was so in love that he discovered where she lived and went through hell and high water just to see her.

9) Ghost....

Men flocked to see this movie because we all wanted to think it was a horror movie. To add to this, generally in horror movies you get two treats. The first being that the date you take will want to hold onto you when she's scared (makes the rest of the evening promising if you know what I mean) and the second is that in most horror movies they show some skin. The though of Demi Moore showing skin in what we thought would be a scary movie was too much to bear at the time and we flocked to watch this amazing movie. Little did we know that it was a love story with no skin and a terrific plot and tearful ending. Still remains one of my favorites.

8) Titanic....

As men we all rushed to see the special effects of this huge ship sinking with all these screaming people aboard. In the end we came away realizing that Kate Winslet was beautiful and what a shame that Leonardo DiCaprio had to die like that. In the end, it was less about the tragedy of the ship sinking and more about the tragedy of love cut short by disaster at sea.

7) Pretty Woman....

Julia Roberts and Richard Gere, do I need to say more. I knew this was a chick flick when I discovered they were starring together. However, it allowed me the opportunity to take a girl to the movies that I had wanted to take out for some time. In the end, I for one couldn't wait for my next trip to L.A. so I could drive down Sunset Blvd looking for a prostitute I could convert into a wife. Just kidding, this movie was great and men enjoyed it just as much as women.

6) Sleepless in Seattle......

As funny as Tom Hanks is you can bet it's a chick flick if he's paired with Meg Ryan. Most guys I know watch this movie even when they're home alone, however they will not admit it. This is a movie for women in love, however it's also for men who wish to find true love.

5) 50 First Dates....

My daughter absolutely loves this movie. Once a week she and I have what we describe as movie night, occasionally we'll go to the theater and other times we'll make our own popcorn and watch DVD's. It's always fun and it allows she and I to spend quality time together since I work odd hours. One day she and my wife came home with 50 First Dates because my daughter like Adam Sandler, she thinks he's funny. I like him to and since Drew Barrymore has a crazy side as well I agreed and we watched it. Don't tell any other men, I wouldn't want to lose my masculinity card but I loved it. Yes it was funny, but beneath all of that humor was a man who loved a woman so much that every morning he had to remind her who he was and make her fall in love with him all over again. My daughter just turned ten and she had tears in her eyes when it ended.

4) Hitch....

All reality comes from fantasy, you ever heard that before? So the idea of an overweight accountant wooing a beautiful socialite should be no problem for people to mentally grasp. Especially when he enlists the help of Will Smith whose business is to help men with successfully getting the women of their dreams. However, in the process Will himself falls in love (and who wouldn't) with beautiful Eva Mendes. This movie is funny and Kevin James provides a ton of laughs as well as assist women with understanding that love comes in all different sizes. Especially considering that the only size that truly matters is the size of the heart that a man is offering you.

3) Meet Joe Black.......

Damn, they really caught men off guard with this one. Death (Brad Pitt) decides he wants to know what life is all about by learning it from a man who has it all (Anthony Hopkins). However, first he needs a body so that he'll fit in so he snatches the body of a man (also Brad Pitt) who had turned the head of Anthony Hopkins daughter earlier in the day. In the end, even death falls in love. So much for that black garb and sickle, death needs love too. Great movie and yep, it's a chick flick even though men may not admit it.

2) Jerry Maguire....

Men went to see this because it's about a sports agent (Tom Cruise). However, once there we discovered it wasn't about the love that Jerry Maguire had for his only client (Cuba Gooding Jr.) but really about the love and affection he had for beautiful Renee Zellweger. There is a lot of love in sports but it all fails in comparison to true love, every single time.

And the number one Chick Flick that men love and will not admit to is: Drumroll please!

1) City of Angles.....

Take all the displays of love in the movies above and place them together, it would still pale in comparison to the act of true love committed by Nicholas Cage in this ultimate chick flick. Of course it helped that Meg Ryan was the object of his affection, but regardless this is the ultimate portrayal of true unconditional love. For those of you whom have not seen this movie, I will not spoil it for you. Please rent it and talk your significant other into watching it with you, he'll enjoy it too. It'll also give you the opportunity to inquire as to what he'd do to prove his love for you. However, I have to warn you that the ending tends to generate tears in men as well as women and if your man at the least doesn't get misty eyed, he lacks emotion and compassion. Regardless, he'll enjoy it anyway and he'll enjoy that he watched it with you.

Now before I go, please understand that these are 10 movies that I like. You may not agree with my idea of these ten movies. If there are movies that you think are better, please write them in the comment section. We could all use a good movie for those times with our loved ones where we simply want to relax and be together.

What every woman should learn from Kim Kardasian's mistake

2010-10-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

"Resentment is often a woman's inner signal that she has been ignoring an important God-given responsibility - that of making choices."

One look at Kim Kardashian and men become mush. She's beautiful, warm, sexy and successful, everything any man would want. Young girls and women look up to her for all she has accomplished in the last few years and for what she more than likely will accomplish in the future.

Lost in all of this admiration and adulation is this question, at what price would you be willing to pay to be in her shoes?

Every month or so she is linked to a new man. I stated in a previous post that there was no way that she would become Mrs. Reggie Bush. Have you ever taken a good look at her and seriously asked yourself, "How is it possible that a beautiful woman of this caliber still be single while her younger sister seems so happily married to Lamar Oden?"

Now before all of you that have been blinded by her beauty and charm jump up and down and shout, "Maybe she likes being single, or she doesn't want to get married", I want you to seriously rethink that statement and ask yourself, what woman really wants to move from man to man?

No, the honest answer and although you may not want to admit it is this: The Video Tape! There I said it, the video tape that surfaced a few years ago displaying her sexual prowess with Ray J, has done her far more relationship harm than good in the eyes of men.

This same tape placed her on the map, it made people notice her as a similar tape did for her once longtime friend Paris Hilton. These tapes brought them to the front page of society and ultimately into your living room. However, these tapes also came with a huge price.

A price that all women, regardless of if you ever want to become a starlet or not need to understand and learn from. Unfortunately, both Kim and Paris were with men whom probably professed their love of them.

False love is something that all women need to remain aware of. When a woman has lost herself in a man who has not lost himself in her it is the perfect opportunity for him to take advantage of you. I've stated this many times to my readers that any statement that begins with, "If you love me", is followed by requesting that you do something disrespectful to yourself as a woman, a person and a human being.

These tapes are a perfect example of what happens when that statement is utilized, or when a woman has lost herself in a man who doesn't have her best interest at heart. As most of you know, and those of you who don't please always remember this, "The decision you make today, can and will affect you in the future."

Think about that if you've ever allowed your current or former boyfriend to tape your sexual escapades. He may tell you that it's just for him to remember his and your love-making sessions when you are not around, or many mens favorite, "I'll erase it later". Always promising you that no one will ever see it, knowing fully well that there is no reason in taping it if he cannot show it to anyone.

Taping your girlfriend is like a secret that men simply cannot hold to themselves, they have to share it with someone. So who do they share it with? Their best friends, that's who! Who blasts his mouth to his best friend and so on and so on. The next thing you know, way before you realise that the secret is out female friends of yours know too. They may have not seen the tape, but there is a rumor that it exists and this is just as damaging.

Oh, and god forbid that you and he suffer a nasty split! You can bet your sweet ass that this so-called private video makes the rounds in your home town as well as the world-wide web. You become an instant porn star without the pay and the butt of jokes from friends and strangers. It's funny how in society if its done in private, it's making love, but if this same act is on tape, it's considered porn.

However, this is just the beginning. How would you like to be at the grocery store with your mom or dad while clerks whisper to one another, "Is it really her?" Or some idiot walks up to you and inform you that he saw the video and thought you were great and should consider becoming a porn star.

Above all of these things is something that women everywhere who have become victims of this type of decision failed to calculate in allowing this filming to occur. It makes creating a solid future relationship nearly impossible!

It's hard to establish a solid relationship when you have a hard time trusting men because the last one that stated he loved you allowed the world to look into your most intimate moments (worldwide). It's even harder to locate a man who is not actually asking you out simply for bragging material.

To make matters worse, men have very fragile egos. If you get so lucky as to meet a man who has no knowledge of your video and he falls for you, do you tell him about it, or simply keep it a secret? Either way, it's still a problem for you. If you tell him, you'll change in his eyes immediately. You'll change because he doesn't have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to accept the fact that not only were you once with someone else, but there is a video that showed it to the world. He may tell you that he understands and he may really try to work through it with you.

In the end though, just like women, men are curious. He'll ask a friend if he's seen it? Now its out there, back to haunt you again. If he can resist ever actually seeing the tape, you stand a better chance of having a long-term rewarding relationship with him, one that could eventually lead to marriage. If he for whatever reason sees the tape, it's just a short matter of time before the two of you are finished.

To give you an idea of what I am talking about let me tell you about a situation I uncovered first hand about this type of situation. A close friend of mine had found what he first described to me as a perfect woman. After the first three months in the relationship he (not her) was already talking about marriage. This was a surprise to all of us as he had always been a committed bachelor.

A few months later the relationship began to fizzle and all of us thought hell, it was simply him missing being a single guy. We laughed about him never wanting to settle down and that it simply wasn't in the cards for him to ever get married. One night while out and about looking for somewhere to eat, I asked him why the change of heart.

Now, you have to understand, this was a very beautiful, successful, classy woman and to me she was definitely a catch for any man, even my friend. As we sat down, just the two of us, he relayed the following story to me.

He informed me that the boyfriend she had before him was somewhat of a loser and although they had been broken up almost a year before my friend had met her he still held some type of power over her. He said this fact really pissed him off because there was no way that he could be with someone who held another man above him for whatever reason.

He said he asked her about this situation several times whenever her sleazy ex called her asking for some form of assistance, which generally meant money. One day my friend said that he put his foot down and informed her that if they were to be together that she needed to cut ties with the ex. He said that she agreed and changed her phone number so that the guy couldn't contact her anymore.

He went on to tell me that things began to go back to normal and he thought that finally they could move forward with their relationship. Then he went on to say that one-day she came back into the apartment that they shared crying. In her hand she had an envelope addressed to her from the ex boyfriend.

Through tears she explained to him that while they dated he had taped their tryst one night with the sworn promise that he would erase it later. This was the power that the ex held over her. My friend informed her that he now understood and that now since he too knew about the DVD, he would now put a stop to the blackmailing and end it so that they could move on with their lives.

He told me that night over dinner that he went to the ex's house and waited for him to arrive home. Once the ex came home he approached him and informed him that under no circumstances was he ever to make contact with or even attempt to make contact with his fiancée. He went on to inform me that he threatened him with serious bodily harm if he failed to heed the warning.

He said that he and the ex entered the ex's home (with a lot of protest) and deleted all images pertaining to his fiancée on the ex's computer as well as destroyed two other DVD's the ex had burned.

A few days later my friend said that he was home while his fiancée was at work. He said that he had started to vacuum and spotted the envelope that she had carried in that day from the mail box. Through tears he informed me that he didn't know why, but he put that DVD in the computer and viewed it.

He wept as he told me that as much as he loved her and wanted her to be his wife, the images and sounds of her making love to someone else was simply too much to bear. He said to me that night, we all know that our significant other has been with men before us and we accept this fact without much thought. However, to see it for yourself is simply too much for any man.

Since we are friends I knew I could ask this question and get away with it, so I did. I asked him, "Why did you look at the tape instead of simply destroying it as you had the others?" His reply was that for whatever reason, he thought he could handle it. He went on to say that he also wanted to see if all they had went through was warranted. He said that he had hoped that maybe the tape was more like a soft porn, only to find out that it was anything but.

A few weeks after we had our conversation that night over dinner, he called me up and asked if we could have a beer after work. I met him at a local bar and he looked a shell of himself. He quickly informed me that they had broken up. He stated that they had talked it over and it was best for them both.

He said that he still loved her and would give it awhile to see if maybe they could make another go of it. However, he told me as he left that night, "She is free, he no longer has any power over her. So even if we don't get back together, the next man she meets won't have to worry about her past haunting them and neither will she."

A month later she accepted a job transfer to Seattle and he hasn't heard from her since. He's back to looking great again and on the lookout for his future wife. Only this time he has a special question he informed me he asks them now; "Have you ever been taped making love?" He states that although it's an odd question he feels the need to ask for both of their benefits.

So now, please think about this the next time someone who professes their love for you asks if they can bring a camera into an intimate situation. Especially one where they start off saying, "If you love me". You should end the conversation by informing them that, "If they loved you, they wouldn't even ask something as disrespectful as to film what should be a loving act." Then get up, get dressed and move on to someone who is actually worthy of you as you deserve.

What he is thinking directly after sex with you

2010-08-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

The late great comedian Richard Pryor during his stand-up routine used to joke that directly before a man achieved orgasm you could ask and receive anything from him. Want to get married? This is the time to ask. Need a new car? This is the time to get it. Because during this time he is at your mercy.

It was funny when Richard Pryor said it and it's still funny today and what most people don't know is that it's pretty much true. How many times have you made love to a man who was neither a husband or boyfriend (per say) and during this intense few seconds he blurted out something totally unexpected, such as "I love you?" Caught you by surprise, didn't it?

What Richard didn't joke about during his heyday on the stage was the other side of your love-making session. Those seconds after men achieve ejaculation and what signs they reveal that are very important to you as women. These brief seconds, these first moments of clarity, if scrutinized properly will tell you all you need to know about where this relationship is headed or if its going anywhere at all.

Many of you have had a man chase you, send you flowers, candy or take you to dinner and treat you like a queen. Sometimes this ritual took weeks or even months before you decided to reward him by allowing him the opportunity to make love to you. After this, what you considered a successful and rewarding love-making session, he changed. His demeanor, his persistent chasing, his phone calls, his being there all stopped.

This left you feeling used, confused and you wondered if it was something you said or did. You also begin to question if he liked making love to you or maybe even if you didn't do it right and he didn't like it. All of these questions and many more like them haunt your thoughts for weeks on end afterwards.

Then there is the guy that you make love to for the first time and afterwards he's like a puppy. He calls you as promised the same day after the love-making session, just to tell you what a great time he had with you the night before. He wants to be wherever you are. He's waiting for you to get off work so that he can take you to dinner, the movies, shopping or anywhere you would like to go. He compliments you, waits hand and foot on you and wants to spend every free moment of time with you.

Now, with both of these guys something happened during the first 30 seconds after they ejaculated and you saw it but you didn't know what it was. Had you paid attention or rather knew the signs you were looking for you could have saved your heartache on the first one because you could have predicted the outcome and called it what it was, simply a f**k for him. However, the knowledge you gained from observing these 30 seconds will tell you a little about yourself and what he thought about you as well.

As for the second guy, you would have observed those signs to and if love was what you were seeking then you could have it. If you were only in it for the sex, then you could inform him of that quickly and not break his heart in the process.

By now you're wondering, what happens in these 30 seconds after he ejaculates? Clarity.

"30 seconds after ejaculation, men have one of two thoughts enter their mind. God I love her, or what the hell did I just do!"

How do you determine what he's thinking during this brief 30 second time frame? You pay attention and these are the signs you'll observe. You've all seen them before, only you didn't know what they meant or what they would lead to.

Now, lets look at them closely and think back to all of the situations you've encountered over the years and you'll understand what I mean.

Upon completion of your first lovemaking session with a new man, if he is thinking, "God, I love her", he'll want to cuddle with you. He'll lay there exhausted but pleased on the bed of lust and hold you, he'll kiss you repeatedly and all of this while laying in the wet spot without complaint. He'll talk sweetly to you, remove the sweat from your brow and inquire as to if you enjoyed it as much as he.

If you chose to make love to him again that night or in the morning he'll be there ready to please you again. He'll be gentle and caring and he'll want to know what feels good to you. If you simply want to lay in bed and talk about nothing in particular, he'll oblige you and hang onto every word you say. He'll be silly with you, laugh at your humor and make you feel like you've known him your whole life and that you two were meant to be as one.

When he tells you that he will call you later in the day, you can count on it. More than likely, upon leaving he will send you text messages anyway, telling you how much he enjoyed being with you.

Now, if you were really slept with him to take care of your physical needs for that night then it behooves you to let him know this as soon as you see these signs. Otherwise you risk hurting someone who really is into you. Don't allow him to leave thinking that you two will one day possibly be man and wife. Let him down gently, be an adult and realign his expectations. I'm just saying, there's nothing like a man scorn as well.

However, for the flip side of this lets look at what happens when he is thinking, "What the hell did I just do?"

If this thought flashes across his mind there will be no cuddling, chances are that as soon as he ejaculates he'll get up and clean himself in the restroom with the door shut. He'll be leaving you to your own thoughts about how well you performed or if he's satisfied. If and when he returns to the bed, he'll probably talk to you for a few minutes about nothing in particular or dive into your background in regards to sex.

He brings up sex in his conversation solely so that you can talk about your past history and the things you've tried and want to try. Not because he's interested in you, but because by talking about sex with you it will allow him to become aroused again and he can do it all again. What you must understand about this ritual is this, it's all about him, and him achieving orgasm, not you. You simply just happened to be still there.

After the second session if he's at your place he'll be making an excuse to leave. He has to get up early is always a good excuse to go. If unfortunately you are at his place he'll be hinting that its time for you to leave. If not or for some reason you miss the hints he throws at you, when he lies beside you it will be with his back facing you. Oh, his excuse will be that he can only fall asleep on that side of the bed facing that way. However, what he is really doing is pretending that you are no longer there and secretly wishing you were gone.

Either way, once you two are apart you can best bet that there will be no texts coming your way informing you how much he enjoyed the night. Oh, and that phone call he felt obligated to promise making to you later will not arrive as well. In those short 30 seconds after his first ejaculation, he had an epiphany. He realised that he was wrong to make love to you, that it should have never occurred. He had been struggling with his conscience for days about whether or not he should do this act, however, his lust for release and sexual needs won out.

It's not that you're not the prettiest girl on the block, it's not that the sex wasn't amazing because it probably was, it's simply that he either doesn't want to be in a relationship or he's already in one just for starters. To begin with, you probably without realising it sent many sexual signals and the attention you gave him told him that you were an easy target to sleep with.

Now he's battling himself because he knew he shouldn't have slept with you, because it wasn't fair. He was only in it (literally) to fill his own needs and now he has the burden of trying to tell you this and most times guys just can't put the right words together that won't piss you off. So you know what he does? He pretends that it never happened and hopes that it goes away.

But it won't go away, will it. Not a chance because you think he's the greatest thing since sliced bread and since he won't call you, you call him, repeatedly. He on the other hand won't answer, won't return your texts and when you come online, he ignores you or signs off.

After awhile , you get angry and bitter and he becomes the scum of society in your eyes. Once you inform your girlfriends of your hurt, he becomes scum in their eyes as well. All because he wouldn't do what I asked you to do with the guy who might fall in love with you above. What he should have done was to explain to you that the sex was great, however that he wasn't really ready for a serious relationship at that time. Therefore realigning your expectations. (Oh, and this works even better if he tells you this before the sexual tryst, giving you the option of actually doing it or not.)

Also, you may note guys whom have done this to you and then after dodging your calls for a while all the sudden they become interested again. They start calling and before long you're laying in bed beside them after the 30 seconds and once again they turn their back to you as before. Well dear, he's simply a slave to his organ and although he continues to think "What the hell did I just do?", time makes him forget and since you've made yourself available once again he figures what the hell. He still hasn't changed, you're simply missing the signs and setting yourself up for a major heartbreak and frustrating cycle.

Before I end this let me point out that these 30 seconds after ejaculation are a prime reason while many women become victims of one night stands. Hopefully, the next time you'll identify it for what it is and by understanding what he's thinking let him off the hook by taking the high road and quickly telling him you appreciate the romp, but thats all it was to you as well. This way, you reversed the role and he becomes the one night stand victim and not you.

How getting pregnant could keep him from leaving you.

2010-07-30T10:18:00.001-07:00

So you're laying in bed and you're not sure what to do anymore. You've told him how much he means to you and it still feels like every single day that he is drifting further and further away from you. Everyday, you talk with him and he says everything is fine, that he simply needs some space and that he's been busy.

You ask if he is going to break up with you and he swears that he is not, but you're not convinced are you? You call him several times throughout the day and he doesn't answer, later when he calls you (much later) he tells you that he was busy and couldn't answer the phone.

You ask if you and he could spend some time together alone, maybe a short trip to another city, like a mini vacation. He says it sounds like a great idea and the thought of you planning it and paying for it makes it even more appealing to him. However, a day or so later he pulls out and informs you that this is simply not a good time for him to go on a trip, especially with work or school and all.

It seems like a million years since he would jump through hoops just to hear the sound of your voice, or to spend 15 minutes just to see you smile. Remember when he hated his job (or school) and he used to complain about how it interfered with the time he wanted to spend with you? Things have changed, haven't they? Now he seems to have no time for you and when he does he looks preoccupied and in a hurry. Even sex that you two used to enjoy so much seems like a chore to him, and foreplay, whatever happened to that?

Your relationship is sinking and it appears that he already has a life vest on, unfortunately he has the only one. You really, really don't want to lose him because you love him so much. You've been through so much together and you can't fathom life without him, but what on earth can you do to keep him and save your relationship?

Then one night (or day) it comes to you. Others have done it and you convince yourself that it can work for you as well. So you go into the bathroom and you dump every single birth control pill you have into the toilet and you flush them down.

He doesn't know it but when he finds out several months later he will be both surprised and excited. You two have talked about starting a family and now seems like the perfect time. He'll never leave you then, you can be sure of it. He's too good of a man to leave his family behind.

You're really excited now, the thought of you, he and the baby as a family is all you can think about. You start looking for names for the baby, Beth if it's a girl or Michael if it's a boy (after his father of course). You're almost giddy with excitement. Not wanting to spoil it by telling him your plans, and having to share it with someone, you tell your best friend. At first she's shocked at what you've decided to do and she plays the devils advocate, only you think she's simply trying to see if you know what you're doing. In the end you convince her too that it's a wonderful idea and that it'll make you and him very, very happy forever. However, you leave out the fact that your boyfriend has no idea that he's about to become a father, she didn't need to know that tidbit of information. She now assumes that you'll be getting married soon. It's good that you made her pinkie promise not to tell anyone until you said it was OK.

He has been very busy and you haven't seen him in about a week. It's not like him to stay away that long, so you decide you'll go to his house late at night and surprise him with the new Victoria Secrets lingerie you purchased just for the occasion. He opens the door to find you standing there in a trench coat and although he's surprised (not happy) that you showed up, he invites you in.

You talk for a while and when he inquires about the trench coat, you dramatically stand and open it to reveal a teddy in the color that you know he loves. His eyes widen just as you thought only he quickly looks past you and you realise that there is someone else in the room. You turn to see another woman standing in his bedroom doorway wearing nothing but a t-shirt (one that you bought last year for him) and a look of confusion.

He tries to tell you something but you don't hear anything as you run out the door to your car. he doesn't even have the dignity to chase after you. You sit in your car parked on the street and you feel almost nauseous. Now you can see clearly, you don't know why you missed all the signs. His inattentiveness, always being too busy, declining the trip you planned, too tired to make love to you, always in a hurry to leave when he came to see you. It was all there in front of you and you simply refused to see it for what it was worth.

You are startled by the sound of your alarm clock ringing and you roll over and instead of hitting the snooze button you set upright in bed. That was a hell of a dream and it has you still shaking as you try to get the cobwebs out of your head. While brushing your teeth, you think about your relationship with him and how it has changed over the last few months. Yes you love him, but getting pregnant for the sake of keeping him around, that's asinine and you know it.

On the way to work you think about the ramifications of having a child this way, without him knowing it and you come to the conclusion that its simply not fair. It's not fair to him, you and definitely not the baby, who deserves to come into this world with two loving parents who love one another as well.

You're getting that nauseous feeling again, this time just at the thought of your dream and the thought that many women have done such a thing all for the sake of holding onto a man. You conclude that this is a selfish act and you make a promise to yourself that you would never allow yourself to ever consider such an act for any man.

On your way home from work your boyfriend calls. He starts by telling you the same old tired story about how busy he is or how school has him studying so hard. You listen and when there's a pause, you without warning inform him that you don't need him anymore. You tell him that you've known for months that there is no way he could simply be that busy but you chose to say nothing at the time.

You tell him that he doesn't have to worry about lying to you anymore about his busy schedule and he can do whatever he wants. You inform him that he is free to date, fall in love with any woman he chooses with the exception of you. You explain to him that you've waited long enough and since he doesn't have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to end it then you will. You hang up and of course he calls back and you decide to turn your phone off.

When you get home you call your best friend and ask her out to dinner. Now you have a crazy story to tell her, only this time there will be no devils advocate role for her to play. You now know that getting pregnant will not make any man stay with you or any woman. All it will do is create a miserable existence for three people because of the selfishness of one.

9 Types of men you should never date

2010-07-22T17:19:00.000-07:00

I get really good letters from women from around the world and I do my best to answer them all. Sometimes I receive one and it inspires me to write a post on it. Last week I was written to by a 19-year-old girl from Russia whom asked me this question. “Are there certain types of men women should not date?”

That was a very good question and after thinking about it for the last few days I decided to create a list for her. However, since I figured it could benefit my other readers as well I decided to post it here. While coming up with this list I decided to create it by taking into account all of the sorry ass men I have known in my life (to include the former me) and all of their characteristics.

I added to what I know by including information I have received about some so-called men from readers just like you, whom have unfortunately fallen prey to some of the dredges of society worldwide. Hopefully this information will assist some of you in the future and keep you from becoming victims of men who could really care less about you, but are good at faking their true feelings.

If any of the men I describe in this post reminds you of a former or even current boyfriend, please let us know by posting a comment. With that said, lets move on to this post:

9 Types of men you should never date:

#1- The Selfish Man: Selfish men can be described in a variety of ways. However, regardless of how you chose to describe them it all comes back to the same meaning, it’s all about them. Every single aspect of your relationship will be dictated by his quest to fulfill his own needs. From sex to support you will always be second when it comes to his needs being taken care of. You’ll quickly discover that with this type of man you are simply there to please him and to hell with you. Some women liken relationships with these types of men as fulfilling as playing second fiddle to a mistress.

Selfish men are the types of guys whom while you work hard to put food on the table he spends the day playing video games with his friends. To top that off, when you get home he expects you to cook for him and his friends. He’s the guy who when he takes you to dinner, you pay.

A selfish man is the guy who refuses to come and see you on his day off, but always has time to go hang out with his boys. He’s also the guy who lives by the mantra that he can do as he please in the relationship, however he criticizes you for what you do.

The selfish man is the guy who will not open your car door, help you carry groceries, never assist you with chores, he spends his money on what he likes but makes you explain what you purchased with yours. The list goes on and on, so I know you get my point.

#2- The Possessive Man: Where have you been? Why are you late coming home? You cannot wear that in public. Why do you need to go see your family? Welcome to some of your dating experience with a possessive man. Sadly though, these are just some of the negative things you’ll endure dealing with men of this type.

They have also been known to be extremely jealous, aggressive and tend to have violent outbreaks. These outbreaks eventually will be aimed at you, especially if he fears that he may lose you. Women like to be loved, however when that love takes on a whole different meaning then there is a serious problem. What starts out as a mistaken case of jealousy could land you in a relationship where you are someone’s possession, just like a car, clothes, computers and more. A possession that can be destroyed in a fit of anger.

Hey remember OJ? Drew Peterson? Or any of the other idiots whom went out and killed their wives, these are all possessive men. In the beginning his hints of jealousy is cute, in the end unfortunately it could be dangerous as well. Think about that the next time a boyfriend demands to know where you are or gets animated when you arrive home simply because you arrived later than he thought you should have.

You also might want to pay particular attention when he attempts to separate you from your family and friends. If this happens, you may want to take this opportunity to get out of the relationship while you still can, and make sure that you let family members and friends know why you got out of this situation. Also, when some friend or family member tries to explain his behavior away by reminding you that he was just worried about your safety and that he loves you, tell them to date him and leave you the hell alone!

#3- The Dreamer: This list includes men whom capture you with their aspirations to be “Rock Stars”,” Actors”, “Rappers” or some other type of star that will make them tons of money and unfortunately leave you out in the cold. These men will do whatever it takes to get what they want out of life with the exception of holding down a steady job to assist you with keeping a roof over your heads or putting food on the table.

I wish I had a nickel for every woman I’ve ever met that wound up on a stripper pole because a dreamer assured her that the large sums of cash she’d make would help him get to the top so much sooner. Five years later and while she’s sliding around on strange men’s laps to make a buck, he’s at home still no closer to becoming a star than when they first met. He on the other hand probably now has a drug addiction (because somehow he thought drugs would do for him what you couldn’t, inspire him) and he is probably spending more money than you could ever bring in, even if that club was open 24 hours a day.

Now, don’t get me wrong, occasionally one of these low lives’s make it to the big time. However, guess who won’t be going with him? That’s right, you! Yep, as soon as he gets a taste of the good life he doesn’t need you anymore or any of the children you allowed him to (father, nope not a good word, lets say have) with you.

Oh and the main reason he’ll leave you behind? Because he’s just like the man I described above, he’s selfish!

#4- The Jail Bird: Who in their right mind would have anything to do with a man who simply cannot keep his life straight? This nonsense happens all the time and it’s simply without a doubt, STUPID! Life is hard enough without taking on the extra baggage of a man who is in trouble with law enforcement. There is nothing more devastating than having the local PD kick your door in at five o’clock in the morning and haul his sorry ass to jail while you stand there in your bath robe holding a crying 3-year-old.

These types of men are simply selfish, they only think about themselves and what the world can do for them. I can understand a single brush with the law, however multiple brushes are unacceptable. With a man like this you will never, ever, have a normal relationship, period! How can you when he’s in and out of jail.

It sickens me when men walk around trying to be hard. Whatever; hard is getting your sorry ass out of bed every morning to go to a real job. Hard is doing whatever it takes to keep your parents name clean. Hard is taking care of the woman you say you love by being there for her every single day, not just when you’re out on parole.

Sometimes I think that these men are actually closet homosexuals. Think about it, what man in his right mind wants to be surrounded by nothing but men for months on end without any females in sight. Then to get out of jail and a few months later they’re right back in, please!

#5- The Party Animal: It’s ok to go out and have fun every now and then, but if you get the wrong man, he may want to make everyday a party. That shit may be cute in College, but in the real world it’s B.S. I know guys whom have graduated College and landed great jobs, only to be fired for something as simple as a piss test.

Going out with his boys every night is childish. When a man has a beautiful woman whom wants nothing more to spend quality time with him, why in the world would he want to be out with a bunch of hard legs (men)? Moderation is the key and if he doesn’t understand that then he has no self-control and furthermore he lacks what you really need as his woman. Do you know what that is? It’s the ability to commit. If he was really intent on committing to you and only you, then he really has no reason to spend all of his time being the life of the party.

Guys like this crack me up because generally they come home unannounced, only to find that his girl had tired of his parting and gallivanting around as if he wasn’t in a relationship. In his absence she replaced him with someone a little more stable and then the party animal realizes that the party is over and he’s heartbroken as if it’s her fault. Go figure. My brother once told me that women have needs, wants and desires, and if you’re not there to fulfill them, someone else surely will. I believe that to this day.

#6- The Player: Ah, the player, the guy who spends all his money on matching sweat suits and high-priced sneakers. He drives around in a BMW with a payment higher than most peoples mortgage, while he lives at home with his mom or other family member.

He’s the guy with the reputation and most women will ignore the warnings figuring that they will be different from every woman who has fallen before them. Wrong! The car looks fly and the gear he is wearing is off the chart, but underneath all of that glitz he’s still a loser.

Let me break it down for you in a manner in which anyone can understand, ok? Any man who spends 40 thousand dollars or above for a car and rents his home is a fool. Why, you may ask? Well, lets look at it this way, a vehicle is not an investment. The day you drive it off the lot, it depreciated 15%. So using 40 thousand as a marker, after signing the paper, handing over your cash and getting the keys to your brand new car, once you stick that key into the ignition it is now worth 34 thousand dollars if you tried to trade it in. Also since he’s driving this expensive car and renting his place to stay (providing he’s not staying with mom) he’s receiving no tax credits for paying someone elses mortgage. That’s what I call insane, and you and I see it every single day! Looks cool on the surface as these guys slowly drive by trying to get your attention, but underneath its pure lunacy.

Now, if he was an intelligent man this is what he would do. He would purchase his home first and even in this economy it’s easier most times to get a home loan than a car loan. This way he now is a home owner and he has a substantial investment. It doesn’t even have to be a single family dwelling, it can be an apartment. Either way he will receive a tax credit each and every year. Once he has his home secured then he purchases the vehicle, and since he’s a home owner it doesn’t have to be an expensive one at that. Why? Because which would you rather have a man with a Mercedes who lives with his mom or roommates? Or the man who drives a Honda and owns his own place? Make sense?

The man who subscribes to purchasing items for the future may look boring on the surface, but he understands that planning for his future wife and offspring are paramount to a happy and successful family. Doing it the other way around, not planning and living in the moment of simply looking good is a disaster for you as a woman to attempt to unravel later. Do you want to waste that much of your time?

#7- The Mammas Boy: It’s ok to love your mom, don’t get me wrong but when you allow your mother to dictate to you who you should date it’s a serious problem. Now my mother knew that she could have input into my dating selection, however that’s all it was, input. The final decision came down to me. Her feelings on this were simply, as long as I was happy, so was she regardless of whom I selected.

I’ve known people whom have been exiled out of families because of the woman they chose to date. It sounds crazy but it happens. However, when these issues happen I blame the man because as a man he hasn’t shown his mother that he is capable of making a sound decision on his own. He’s failed to show her that he is an adult and that this is his life and the woman he chose should be accepted because he and only he has the right to decide who is good enough for him.

I know moms mean well, however she needs to understand that if she is not happy with his selection then she too is at fault because he is simply working off of the values she instilled in him.

As a man, if he cannot take you home to meet his mom because of your color, nationality, religious beliefs or any other reason then he is not a man, he’s simply pretending to be. As a woman, why would you share your bed with a man who doesn’t have the intestinal fortitude (guts) to inform his mom and family that you are the one that makes him happy and you are the one that he will be keeping? Further telling them that they need to accept this fact and treat you as his girlfriend/wife in the manner in which he demands you be treated.

If he cannot do that for the love of you, then you need to kick his sorry ass to the curb because he is exactly the type of man you want to avoid, a mammas boy, pretending to be a man. She raised him; she needs to accept his decisions on who his mate is.

#8- The Seed Spreader: I call these guys this because they have children everywhere. I know a young woman and one day while working together a few years ago she introduced me to her then boyfriend. He was a pretty nice guy and she was really in love with him. A few months later she was pregnant and while pregnant she became really moody one day and began to vent her frustrations to me. It came out that he couldn’t keep a job and it was driving her crazy, especially since they had a child coming. I inquired as to what the problem was and she confided in me that he had five other children by three different women and whenever he got settled into a job the State would find out and garnish his wages leaving him with basically no pay. So to combat this he would simply quit and move on to another job, so he could receive some money before the State discovered and took it all for back child support.

I had to ask if she knew about this before deciding to have a child with him? She informed me that since they had only recently moved in together she had just discovered this issue and it was driving her insane.

Why any man would father children with multiple women is a mystery to me. However, the bigger mystery is why women would even consider a man whom are in this situation? There is no future to be had with any man whom has allowed himself to fit this label. In today’s society whenever you are offered a job in most states they have you sign a document informing them if you are responsible for paying child support or not. If you lie on the form, once the Department of Human Services catch up with you (they monitor your social security number) and it is determined that you are supposed to pay child support then the company can terminate you for lying on your initial application. So unless he has mad skills and makes a shit load of money, chances are he’ll never have enough to take care of you and any children you may have.

This type of reckless behavior causes havoc in all the participants lives, especially the women and children he left behind. These types of people is exactly why I cannot stand to watch “Maury”, because in reality Maury Povich is reckless too. What his ass should be doing is not only conducting paternity tests but he should be making his guest undergo AIDs testing as well. Com’ on could you really date a guy who may be one of eight to have fathered some girls baby? Damn, just thinking about that makes me want to run and take a shower.

#9- The Victim: Ever had a boyfriend who thought the world was out to get him? His ass was always complaining about why he couldn’t get ahead and it was always someone elses fault. He didn’t get a raise because he was a white male, or a black man. Never once will he tell you the truth and tell you that he didn’t get the job because he’s lazy as hell and will not do what it takes to get ahead.
He gets pulled over by a cop and although the windows of his car are tinted, he complains that because of his race or ethnicity he was profiled. Even though you both know that the cop had no idea who was driving because he couldn’t see in the damn car.

This type of guy is always the victim and it’s always someone elses fault. He always complain that because he refuses to kiss ass at work they won’t promote him, or the guy that got promoted plays golf with the boss. He’ll attempt something like start his own business and if it doesn’t succeed he’ll blame God before he’ll assume responsibility of its failure.

To him success or failure is based on luck. “Oh he’s just lucky is what he’ll say whenever something good happens to a friend or relative. He’ll go through his whole life (and yours too if you let him) making excuses for his own failures without ever accepting responsibility.

So the next time he calls someone who he should compliment, lucky. You tell him this, “The formula for luck, is when preparation meets opportunity.”

I hope that this list will assist some of you and help you avoid some real sorry men within our society. Love is blind, I know, however in the beginning, just for a minute before you lose your sight, you may see some of the characteristics in him that you read here today. If you do, I hope you have the presence of mind to take a step back and view him in a different light, because the next step that you take could be one that harms you or saves you from heartbreak or worse. I hope you make the wise decision. Good luck all.

When is it Safe to make Love to a man you recently started Dating?

2010-03-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

I wrote this post months ago for a fellow blogger and received quite a bit of criticism from several persons whom feel that they are more qualified in this arena. They feel that you should never be given a time-table for when you should jump into bed with someone, that you should perform this function (sex) when the time feels right.

I feel that this approach sounds great if you're a man. It can also be ok if you're a woman and you're not seriously seeking a lifetime partner. However as we all know, women unfortunately are held to a higher standard in this man-made society that we live in. Men can jump into bed with anyone (when it feels right) and at most he's considered a stud to his friends and colleagues. Anyone want to guess what a woman whom does the same thing is considered by society. Thats right!

One guy even stated that the time frame I gave was too long only to discover that the sex is bad when it finally happens, and you'll have wasted time. To this I say if the real goal is lasting love and during the process this is what you achieve you still win. Why? Because of the love that you and your mate created you are now able to communicate without worry of hurting one another's feelings the adjustments necessary to make the love-making session more fulfilling for you both. Try this with someone that you slept with simply because it felt right. It can be pretty awkward to say the least.

With that said please let me state for the record that this is their opinion and I respect it although I simply don't agree. As for you my readers, everything that I write is simply a suggestion to you based on my life's experience of being a man. Wether you chose to implement the information that I pass on to you is totally up to you.

Now, as for what you are about to read I would like to ask that after you're done reading this post that you reflect on your past failed relationships and any relationships where you may have slept with someone because the timing felt right. Then honestly answer this question: How'd that work out for you?

This is a question that most women ask. Is there such a thing as “safe? Not really, it becomes safe when you determine what his true intentions are. Too many women use sex as a way to label their relationship. They feel that if they sleep with a man then from this point on they are considered a couple. Why? Because he slept with you and that’s what couples do, right? Wrong!

The real question should be, “Where do we stand?” Are we a couple? Just dating? What? These questions should be explored and answered to your satisfaction before you ever consider sleeping with someone.

Not only should you get the proper answer but his actions should reflect what his mouth is saying. Just in case you didn’t know, we men lie all the time to get sex. Regardless of how much it may hurt someone, we still will say and do whatever it takes to please ourselves. Hopefully you caught that, “Please ourselves”, because until we hit the ripe old age of thirty, your pleasure is an afterthought.

Now with that revelation out in the open let’s try to determine “When is it safe to have sex with a guy you are dating?”

The key to this is what are your goals? If you’re seeking a long time relationship then as a man I feel the proper time frame is after six months. When I first stated this fact I received hundreds of letters from women worldwide telling me I was crazy. They stated no man would wait that long and most of the women also said that they couldn’t either. My answer to them was this, if he cannot wait that long to get to know you intimately, then all he wanted was a piece of a— anyway so why would you even want him around?

If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, it starts with really getting to know someone. This means communicating, talking about things, discovering one another. Holding hands, late night talks, walks in the park, movies and dinners. Finding out what each persons plans are and determining if you really match one another. Is he the one?

If you remove sex from this equation it is easy to determine if he is a suitable mate. Trust me when I tell you that if he’s only after one thing (sex) and you’re not sure, he’ll be gone in the first thirty days or so. Saving you a lifetime of regret and frustration, for having given someone who didn’t earn the right to make love to you. Let me rephrase that statement, forget the make love part, the right to f--- you. Because to him, if he didn’t earn it that’s exactly what he did. This is exactly what he’ll tell his friends.

If he’s around past thirty days he stands a good chance of being the one. At forty-five days his stock rises and so does yours in his eyes. What women fail to understand about this ritual is this, the signs that you send him by making him wait is that you’re a good woman, wife material and that you haven’t been jumping in and out of bed with everyone whom took you to McDonald's.

This knowledge is powerful to men. Men want a woman whom they know haven’t been the victim of predators who only wanted to taste the sweet nectar and then fly away to the next flower, leaving you wilted and jilted. They love and I mean this literally a woman whom they can really get to know for who they actually are. They respect that and it speaks volumes when it comes to telling their boys that you are different.

At ninety days he’s about ready to meet your parents because even though he won’t tell you he really wants to tell them how much he appreciates you and the job they did raising you. During this time, he’ll probably send flowers because he knows that you’re not sleeping with someone else and he’s just happy you allow him the opportunity to be in your presence. However, he’s still going to test you to make sure this isn’t some type of trick. He’s going to do whatever he can to try to get you alone and set the tone for a sexual tryst. Most times we offer to take you on a trip (overnight of course) to another city. We simply do this to allow us the chance to sleep in the same room and hopefully the same bed with you. Remember; resist this and all other offers of this type. Later, he’ll thank you and you’ll be thankful too.

At 150 days, he’ll be at a point where he knows you and you he and you’ll actually become a couple. However, even before this you should have already let him know that you’ll have it no other way and although you enjoy his company he needs to decide where the relationship is heading. Let’s place a note here: Women always control the relationship, men are only along for the ride. You control the sex, you control us, let me say that once again. You control the sex, you control us! It’s that simple and as long as you plan it out in advance you’ll never go wrong.

At 180 days, he’s forgotten about the sex, but he knows one thing and by then you should too. He loves you! Not because of rolling around in bed, but because in six months he’s been there for you and you he and you can now finish one another’s sentences. You know what he likes and dislikes and vise versa, you’re at ease with one another there is no loss on either side.

He knows that he has a woman who is not sleeping around and he’s secure with that knowledge. You’ll find that jealousy in your relationship will not be an issue because he’ll always remember that it took him six long months to make love to you, so the next guy will have to work twice as hard. He’ll trust you more than any man you’ve ever had, and you’ll both be happier for the wait.

Sex is great, but if it is utilized in the wrong ways it becomes something with no meaning and tons of implications. I know and I’ve known for a long time that women have needs, wants and desires just like men. They suppress these urges in order to avoid being labeled negatively. If you are not careful and move too quickly or be enticed into moving too quickly you could possibly destroy any chance you have of landing the right man for you. In case you didn’t know, men talk. Not only do they talk, they talk a whole lot. Why? They talk to be considered the big man on campus, in the office or neighborhood and unfortunately it’s your virtue that’s at stake. Your reputation could be ruined, and his boasting could cost you the love of your life.

Oh, and all the guys that couldn’t last six months? They were not worthy of you and therefore feel that you are not worthy of them waiting to bed you. In the end, you win because they moved on with nothing to show for their time except maybe a lie or two and that’s easily overcame by just being honest and moving on. However, later much later when he sees you with a real man, one willing to wait he’ll secretly be pissed because he knows you were really worth it all along.

Before I end this I’d like for you to be honest with yourself for a moment and answer this question. How good could you actually expect your relationship to be if you gave someone the most intimate part of you without him actually earning it? Look back on every bad relationship you’ve had and honestly assess it. If you had sex with your partner quickly, in the first month, first weeks or Heaven forbid the first few days it probably failed. Why? Because the foundation of the relationship was built on sex, you didn’t really know one another because sex became the center of everything.

How many of us have friends that say that the only time they are not arguing with their significant other is during sex? This is because that’s all the relationship is about. Real relationships are built on understanding one another, getting to know one another, becoming a team and forming a partnership. Sex is just the cherry on top, it’s the dessert. How many restaurants have you been to that serve the dessert first?

Now, for you ladies that feel you cannot go six months without sex, you have issues. Just kidding! Look, they make a variety of toys just for you. Pleasing yourself, it’s healthy, liberating and natural and six months is a small price to pay to have the man of your dreams for a lifetime.

I wish you ladies luck and I’m pulling for each and every one of you. He’s out there and he’s waiting even when he doesn’t know it. As men we’re not as smart as we think when it comes to matters of the heart, but one thing we know for sure is that when we chose a wife we want it to be one we earned and not one that we received too easily.

10 Things that Scream, "He's a Dog!"

2010-01-20T10:53:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! I hope all of you enjoyed a very Happy New year and that you have stuck to the resolutions that you made during this period. I simply hope that your resolution for the New Year wasn't to give up on men because by condemning all men due to the actions of one is foolish.

As I have said before and I will state it again, "There are good men out there for each and every one of you." The problem most times is that women tend to settle and at times you settle for the wrong guy.

With that said, I figured today I would give you a list that will make the wrong men a little less harder to identify. Hopefully this list will be beneficial to you and your friends and assist you ladies in narrowing down the search for true love, unconditional love.

So ladies, grab a cup of coffee or your favorite drink and lets look at the 10 Things that Screams, He's a Dog!" Hopefully you'll find it entertaining, insightful and educational.

10 Things that Scream, "He's a Dog!"

Lesson #1:

You've only met him minutes before and he is asking for your phone number:

If this happens to you or has happened to you the results were probably less than positive. You're so excited that this cute guy whom you have just only met is interested in you, wow! However, during this excitement you failed to think about several important elements.

OK, you know you're beautiful (or you should anyway) and if this guy is so cute or handsome, why doesn't he have a girlfriend? Or does he? Now that you have time to think and breath, think about this. If he asks for your number, the chances that he already is involved with someone raises significantly. By obtaining your number, he can control when he talks to you without running the risk of being found out by his significant other.

Another thing that most women fail to recognize immediately is that he possibly didn't ask if you were in a relationship. If you are and he still requested the number, he has little respect for you, your mate and the sacred right of being in a monogamous relationship.

However, if you are in a relationship and you even entertained the idea of giving him your number then you too have little respect for the above.

During this exciting faze you also probably overlooked the ease that it took for him to ask you, a woman that he doesn't know for your number. What you should have thought automatically was that, he's done this before and has had a lot of practice. Which means that you're not as special to him as you think, in reality you're simply available at this time.

Think about these things the next time someone you don't know or barely know asks for your number, there are many things you should think about beside the fact that he's cute or not.

If you are unattached and actually a little interested, try this to balance things out. Instead of giving him your number, ask if it is possible that you can have his number instead. This serves two purposes, one being that if you're interested you don't have to sit around waiting to see if he will call. Also, meeting men is like buying a dress. It looked good in the store, however when you get home you may not like it as much. So by getting his number you don't have to worry about avoiding his calls if you change your mind later.

Above all this, by asking him for his number you get the opportunity to watch his body language and actions. If he has a significant other he'll probably give you some lame excuse about how he lost his cell phone so you should call his mothers house or his home phone. All the while he'll begin to fidget as he tries to weasel his way through a load of B.S.

Regardless, if you take the number and call him and another woman answers the phone, don't hang up. If she asks who you are, tell her the truth, that being that he asked you to call him. If she says that she is his wife or girlfriend, explain to her that you meant no harm and had he informed you that he was attached you would not have accepted the number. End the conversation by apologizing for the call and inform her that you will not be calling again. Be polite and place yourself in her shoes, how would you feel. If she asks questions, answer them as best you can and overlook her rudeness because it will change from anger to thankfulness in a matter of minutes. You have nothing to hide and you just met him so you also have nothing to lose. She's really not mad at you anyway, it's him that her anger is directed at as it should be.

Lesson # 2:

He's trying to impress you with his Car:

Cars! There I said it. Some men still think that if they have a nice car that they can have any woman that they chose. It's as though this automobile instantly transforms them into a chick magnet and it gives them the courage to approach any woman without fear of rejection.

Sounds crazy doesn't it? However, crazy things work too in the world of men. It appears funny that any man would equate what he drives with his ability to attract women, but sadly it many times works!

How many times have you and your girlfriends driven through the park on a nice sunny day because you know that men will be out waxing their cars? In cities all across the U.S., when spring arrives, the sun begins to shine and the flowers and tress start to bloom, young people flock to parks everywhere. Girls in shorts walk through the grass as young men shirtless, wax their pride and joy while music blasts out of their sound systems.

Unfortunately, before actually seeing the guy women actually notice the car and it becomes a magnet and at the least a reason to start up a conversation.

We've all pretty much done this at some point in our young life. Hell, my very first vehicle out of High School was a pristine British Sports car and second to the fact that I was a College Basketball player this car played a big part in the amount of women that scored with.

Today, nothing has changed. I listened in as my son and his friends harped on and on about how when they were old enough they were going to by Mercedes, Lexus and Corvettes because they knew that this would help them with the ladies.

Not all women are that gullible to date a man based on his mode of transportation, however unfortunately there are some. So when you are in a conversation with a man and he attempts to steer you in the direction of asking him what he drives, you now know why? His aim is to impress you with 22" rims and a sound system to die for, all in the hopes that it will make him appear worthy enough to separate you from your clothes.

I say this because chances are that he loves that car more than he will ever possibly love you. Why? Because that car makes him popular and it attracts young immature women who don't know any better and because they don't he can have his way with them. Can you do that for him? Or better yet, would you? I didn't think so.

So the next time you look at the car first and the guy second, think about this, you're not the only woman that could possibly fall into this trap and he knows it too.

Lesson # 3:

You live in the same town, but after two months he still hasn't introduced you to his family:

When you fall in love you really want to share that feeling with everyone. Friends, family and the whole damn world is supposed to share in your bliss. Men are the same as women in this respect, with the exception that they tend to introduce you to their friends first.
Note: We do this because we want them to envy us over just how damn beautiful you are!
Once we've wallowed in that ecstasy and gotten not only our friends seal of approval we tend to feel it's time for you to meet the family. This entire process shouldn't take any longer than 30 days. Because in the beginning of a relationship we tend to spend every waking moment with you allowing us the opportunity to see you from all sides. If you're a keeper, you'll meet the family right around the 60 day mark, barring that they actually live in the same area code, if not it could be a little bit longer.
If you and your man have been together for longer than 60 days and he hasn't introduced you to family and friends all of whom live in the same city, you have a problem you might want to address.
Unfortunately men don't introduce the woman they profess love of to people that they are related to or friends with for the following reasons: 1) they feel differently about the relationship then they are actually telling you. 2) you are not the only woman they have; 3) for whatever reason they are uncomfortable with you, your looks, weight, color etc; 4) they are not planning on keeping you around; 5) he is simply using you.
I am sorry to have to tell you those things but it's the truth. Think about it, when you meet a nice guy, you probably cannot wait to share your happiness with friends and family, right? Men are no different unless he's guilty of one of the above reasons for not performing the introductions.
However, if he's a dog like I once was, it is also possible that he cannot introduce you to his mom until he's positively sure you are the one. Here's why; you bring too many women home to meet your mom and she automatically knows whom you've become as a man. Mothers are quick to acknowledge the obvious and have been known to inform their sons not to bring another woman home to meet her unless it is his wife! I know this because I received this exact instruction from my mom after replacing several girlfriends in a short period of time.
Mothers are women too, and although they love their sons they seldom condone the type of behavior that many of us display in regards to the women we date. The next time i took a woman home with me was years later and yes, she was my wife and remains my wife to this day.

Lesson # 4:

You've met his male friends but none of their girlfriends:

Why would a man whom professes his love for you take you out to bars to meet his male friends and none of their girlfriends or wives are present? Because there is a good chance that his friends girlfriends or wives don't know one another either.
Women talk to one another and trust me, the last thing he wants is to introduce you to his friends girl on the chance that she may say, "You do know he has another girlfriend too?" He also doesn't want to run the risk of you becoming friends with women whom know what he's really like and his past. The past he wants you to hear is the one that he fabricates for your ears only.
Oh, and by the way where are his friends girlfriends? They're at home or out with friends just as you will be months later when he decides to go out with his friends. So prepare yourself to be isolated and alone in this relationship just as his friends girlfriends are as well.
Oh, and he only introduced you to his friends to boast about the new girl he just obtained for his collection.

Lesson # 5:

His female cousins give you strange looks:

Not every girl that you see is going to be related to him. Regardless of what he says some of them are either ex's or friends and relatives of ex's that he's known for years. Occasionally, you'll meet a cousin and she'll give you a strange look too, but that really because she's trapped. She's trapped between her loyalty to him as his relative and her bond with you as a member of the female race. She will at times give you a look that you interpret as disapproval, however it's really a warning sign. She hopes that this simply gesture will cause you concern enough to question it. The sad thing is women rarely do, and when they do they question it to their man who is quick to point out that his cousin is always like that and she doesn't like anyone. He may even tell you that she is like that because he used to date her best friend and since the break-up she likes none of his girlfriends.
The next time you stumble into a situation like this, don't run from it. Befriend her and more than likely she'll try to protect you and if you become close enough she'll tell you everything you really need to know about him.

Lesson # 6:

When you leave his apartment he always reminds you of something you almost left behind:

You ever been in a relationship and while leaving after spending the night he runs out to the car or calls you on your cell phone to remained you that you left something behind? Did this happen on more than one occasion?
If it did occur to you it was probably something insignificant to you, something you could do without for the day such as a brush, comb, eye liner, or scrunchy. The reason I say this is because generally it'll be something that only a woman would have and the reason he doesn't want you to leave it behind is so that no one else will see it and question him.
If he has allowed you to leave a tooth brush there, you'll notice that the next time you arrive it'll be neatly placed away out of sight. You can bet it won't be on the counter in the holder next to his where you left it days before.
These are all classical signs that you are not the only woman that he entertains there and he wants no questions about who else has been spending time with him. The easiest way to assure himself that this will not happen is to sanitize the place upon each female departing.
Women notice anything that seems out of place and for a bachelor to have a female hair brush in his cabinet or a hair bow could lead to loads of questioning.
So if you haven't been in this type of situation yet, hopefully you'll be able to identify it if it happens to you.

Lesson # 7:

He lives alone, but he has feminine hygiene products in his bathroom:

Men who deal with a plethora of women are like Boy Scouts, they are always prepared. You go to his place and you'll find everything from feminine hygiene products, bikinis, Teddy's and more in several different colors styles and sizes.
Ever went to a guys house for the first time and he asked if you'd like to go swimming? Of course you didn't bring a bikini because you had no idea that this was a possibility, right? Well when he asked, it was really a loaded question to begin with.
You see the idea is this, we generally ask after you've had several drinks so your inhibitions have lowered. He's hoping that it's at the point where he can convince you that you really don't need one since it's only you and him. He's hoping that you agree since you already told him you like to swim. However, if you balk at this skinny dipping opportunity he'll change up on you and offer you a t-shirt to cover yourself (which we all know becomes transparent once wet, right?).
If you balk at this offer as well he'll suddenly remember that his cousin (female of course) purchased a couple of bikinis and left them before she ever had a chance to wear them and lucky for you they just might be in your size. Now lets go swimming!
It's funny now, but in reality this whole thing was simply an exercise in separating you from your clothes and in a mans mind, less is more.
When living alone and dealing with multiple women men have been known to have products to cover any situation that may arise in the course of an evening, however when you live with him he has to constantly run to the store because he's seldom prepared for anything, go figure.
So you go to his apartment and he has battery sizes for every single sex toy you could imagine, live with him and during a power outage he has to go to the store to get batteries for a flashlight, ha,ha. I know, I spend more time now jaunting back and forth to pick up things that years ago I kept in stock in the back of my closet as a single man.

Lesson # 8:

He never spends a full night at your place:

Ever have that guy who is kind, gentle and treats you like a queen? You call him and he comes running to bring you whatever you need or request. However, when he comes over to spend time with you he never spends a complete night. He may stay and make love to you until you're both exhausted but before 5 am he's whispering that he has to get up and go home.
He'll give you all types of excuses about having a big meeting that morning or having to let his dog out, or how he simply cannot get comfortable enough in your bed to fall completely asleep.
You can't go to his house because he has already laid the ground work by telling you that he either lives with his Mom, or has a apartment full of room mates and either way it's disrespectful for you to be placed in that type of situation. Right?
However, if you examine these statement a little closer you'll discover they may not be true at all. He may not actually live with his mom, and yeah he may share an apartment with several room mates but he also may have someone else that expects him to be a certain place at certain times, like with her.
If he can't get comfortable in your bed, hell, ask him to purchase one for your place that he can get comfortable in. If you and he are really in a monogamous relationship then there is really no excuse for his inability to spend complete nights with you if this is what you'd like. It's nice to be able to see the person you love when you wake up laying beside you. To be able to share breakfast together and begin your day together before you depart for work and the stress it may entail.

Lesson # 9:

He suddenly becomes busy during the weeks that you have your menstrual:

When you are in a relationship but you don't live together it leaves plenty of time to get into things that you shouldn't. Sometimes women provide even more free time to men whom are already roaming freely and unsupervised by making this simple statement; "Oh, I just started my period, so you can go out with friends if you want."
Women, you make this statement you simply tell your man that you feel that he only comes by when you can make love to you and that you're alright with this fact.
Menstrual or not he should be with you, don't you think. If sex is the only reason he comes by then quite frankly you don't have much of a relationship to begin with.
So if he choses not to come around during this time of the month, just because you may be out of commission doesn't meant other women are and this may be his opportunity to play with them, and your statement may have just made it easier.

Lesson # 10:

He will not hold hands with you in public:

Some people consider holding hands or other public displays of affection childish behavior. It's not, it is really a sign of togetherness, being a couple, in a relationship. Now I don't mean going to the mall and groping one another or displaying long wet kisses, I mean small pecks and occassionally holding hands.
If the guy you are dating tells you that he simply doesn't like holding hands, he's full of shit. Holding hands for men goes back to our grade school days and we enjoy it just as much as you do. It's our little way of letting all other men know that you are not only with us, but you are ours.
When a man says that he doesn't like to hold hands or appears uncomfortable holding hands with you, chances are that he doesn't want anyone to know that you two are an item. Remember, it's easy to explain to your real girlfriend or wife that I went to the mall with a female friend. However, it's hard to explain that smae situation when we were spotted holding hands while we walked through the mall.
I find it interesting that women don't find it odd that the same man who cannot keep his hands off of you behind closed doors is uncomfortable touching you in public. You should always question this behavior.
It's like dating the guy that when you first began talking told you how much he enjoyed going to the movies and now that you're together he refuses to take you. How is that possible? Or the guy who only comes to your house late at night, but never takes you out in public.
How else do you explain this behavior? He's either in another relationship as well, or ashamed of being seen with you in public (because of your height, weight, ethnicity, nationailty, etc.) There I said it, but either way, you deserve better! So send his sorry selfish, inmature ass packing and find yourself a real man. Find a man that cannot keep his hands off you in private and in public because that's what love does, it makes us want to be one!

Well, I gotta run again. I hope something I wrote can be used by you or someone you know. If something above has been identified by you in your own relationship, I hope you have the strength, courage and self respect to correct it. I wish you luck and I hope you chose to visit Eavesdropping in the Boys Club often.

Why Elin Woods will have the Last Laugh

2009-12-10T09:42:00.000-08:00

Everyone wants to be a star. Is that a statement that we all can agree on in this media driven society? However, what people fail to understand in their quest to obtain their 15 minutes of fame is that just like everything else in life, it comes with a price.

All of the women coming out of the Wood work (no pun intended) have pretty much nuzzled up to the cameras and are basking in the glow of the bright lights, for now. Today, everyone on the planet are concentrating on Tigers infidelities and sitting on pins and needles wondering how in the hell did the worlds most recognizable face get himself into this relationship hazard? Then, more importantly, how will he get out of it and still save par or rather his marriage and image?

What we have failed to do is look at the other side of the situation. You know, the one where we examine the character of the women that chose to sleep with a married man. The women whom chose to attempt to capitalize on an adulterous affair by publicly airing the incidents for the world to read, all while smirking and smiling for the cameras. Never once feeling remorse for their role in the assisted destruction of a family.

It was disrespectful to Elin Woods and her children for these women to engage in the affairs with Tiger to begin with and then to come out publicly is akin to spitting in their faces. These women knew full well that they were about to and eventually slept with a married man, you'd think that at least one of them would have had the decency to say no.

I am sure that there are at least a couple of women that did just that, they said no to Tiger because of the respect they hold for the sanctity of marriage. These are women whom we'll probably never hear from, who may have thought about bedding Tiger and possibly would have had it not for him being someones husband and father.

Although we will never have the opportunity to know who these women are at the least we know that some people have more respect for themselves then to be lured into a shameless scandal where no one wins and everyone gets hurt in the end.

If any of the women that Tiger supposedly bedded had an once of character and any amount of remorse after the tryst, she could have easily called Elin and privately confessed her indiscretion and begged for forgiveness. This would have allowed Elin the opportunity to deal with Tigers ways long before it became a media circus with her and her children in the center ring. However, none did, they did what they do best, run around running their mouths about sleeping with the worlds top (married) golfer as if this was some sort of honor. As if this would open doors for them and one day make them some type of celebrity themselves.

Well now the time has come and they are getting their face time in print, online and television. However, whatever happened to Monica Lewinsky? They too shall be relegated to trivial pursuit questions as people struggle to recall their names or what they were once infamous for.

Before this quick fall from grace they will be subject to public scrutiny as they should (starting here) for attempting to capitalize by jumping up and down on the shattered pieces of what was once a marriage. They will be ostracized for being women of loose morals (although for a couple of them that has already been determined) home wrecking and over-all stupidity.

When the time comes and it always does for people like this they will resent the media because they will discover that it's no fun when you are not the person in control of what they say about you. When they start digging and start publishing your secrets that you thought you had hid away from the world. When they expose you and your own friends don't want to return your calls because you've become more an embarrassment than anything else to them. Those days are coming, I wonder if any of them fully thought this thing through? Fame? It's over-rated when you lose who you are and especially when you didn't earn it but created it by participating in a situation that caused someone else to suffer and hurt.

Now Tiger, he'll continue to golf and as he wins people will forgive and forget with time. However, he too will hurt because besides the embarrassment and suffering he has caused his wife and children he may possibly lose them.

Looking at the relationship that he had with his own late father (Earl), this situation which he caused just may deny him that opportunity with his own children. If Erin chooses to leave him and take the kids as is her right, he'll spend many a night sitting alone in a big house after winning another Major Championship with no one to celebrate with. He'll be left with nothing but the echos of his children's laughter to comfort himself and the knowledge that his own selfishness ended the most important win of his life, which by the way was the day that Erin accepted his proposal.

As a father myself, I can assure you that Tiger himself will tell you if you ask him, that all of his wins and endorsements pale in comparison to the feeling he got with the birth of his children. If he says anything other than that then he's not much of a father to begin with.

In the end Elin will have the last laugh. She's beautiful, intelligent and she has done nothing to deserve this unfortunate situation. She is focused on the two people who count on her the most in this life, her two children. To her, that I am sure is all that matters as it should be.

Should she chose to leave, she'll be wealthy beyond means and will be able to provide her children with a life fit for royalty as a single mom. She has a family that will support her emotionally and as with everything else, time heals all wounds to include betrayal.

She'll probably return to her native country where they value privacy a bit more then here in the Good ole USA. I am sure she had suitors before Tiger and once she's free and clear she'll have even more and eventually she'll discover someone with a little more integrity and a lot less drama.

Regardless of what she decides to do, I for one wish her well.

How do you decide Who to Marry? By Kids

2009-10-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

What can we learn from kids in the art of dating and matrimony? I think a whole lot and more, if we take the time to listen. A great man once said, "The boy is the Father of the Man", that statement is equally true of little girls and women.

So for today I thought I would post an e-mail I received from a friend, titled " How do you decide Who to Marry" written by kids. I wish I knew where this piece originated so that I could thank the person who had the presence of mind to show us what we have long forgotten about relationships through the words of those who are pure at heart.

Please enjoy:

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff... Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10

No person really decide before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with... Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then... Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough... Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10 (isn't he ready for the world of dating?)

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them... It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys... Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8 (I like this kid)

And the #1 Favorite is ....

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10 (He'll be married forever)

If you liked this, please let your friends read it so that they too may have a smile for today. Thanks

What we can all Learn from the Steve Mcnair/Sahel Kazemi Tragedy

2009-10-22T10:49:00.000-07:00

"Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman. Always." — Khaled Hosseini

Of all the posts I have written over the last year, this is by far my most difficult. I had tried to stay away from this situation just as I had avoided the Rhianna/ Chris Brown incident. I simply felt that with the media's bombardment of it, you'd get tired of it and anything I wrote at the time would fall on death ears. Above that was the single most important fact of life, Love is never supposed to result in death. It's supposed to create life, never it's opposite.

So here I am writing this post because we need to learn something from this tragedy and you damn sure will not get the real lesson from our mainstream media.

For those of you that do not know about this incident and I am sure that there are very few of you, I will provide a short recap and then we'll move on to why this post was written.

Steve McNair was an American Icon in the World of Professional Football, the NFL. He was married with several children and had recently retired at age 36. His contributions to humanity through his Foundation are well known in Nashville and beyond. He was a man that on sight could disarm you with a smile that was contagious.

Sahel Kazemi was a beautiful, young and vibrant 20 year old Iranian immigrant. She was well loved by her family and friends and had her whole life before her. According to reports she had been involved in a somewhat volatile relationship with a previous boyfriend before a chance meeting with McNair whom had visited a restaurant where she was employed as a waitress.

On July 4th of 2009, the bodies of both McNair and Kazemi were discovered in the living room of an apartment that he co-owned in the Nashville area. Police have labeled it a murder/suicide, stating that McNair was shot while he slept on the couch by Kazemi, whom then turned the gun on herself. The two had been in a relationship according to reports for approximately 4 months.

I am and will always be a Steve McNair fan, but this post is not really about him. This post is about Sahel Kazemi and the lessons that we can all learn from her actions. I am not about to condemn either of these two people for what occurred on that fatal day in July or before. What I will do is try to make sense of what happened in hope that someone who reads this and has contemplated the same actions will rethink it and chose another course of action.

Steve McNair was a victim, but although the media fails to state this so was Sahel Kazemi. Many people would disagree with that statement, but it's true. We just chose to ignore her plight because she unfortunately took a mans life. A very well known and loved man whom made us feel good about ourselves when he was entertaining us each and every Sunday.

Football is a violent sport, we know it is and of course no one knows it as well as the men who play it. It also comes with a lot of adulation. Millions of fans pack NFL stadiums each and every year with hopes of coming into contact with greatness. Football players sell us products, ask us to support the "United Way", they make us laugh and they show that they are human, and yes they even make mistakes.

However, because of who they are generally they are soon forgiven. Could you imagine walking out of a tunnel to 70 thousand people chanting your name and 10 thousand people wearing a jersey with your name on the back? Could you imagine earning more money then some third world countries gross domestic product? They have it all, and then after several years it's over.

Steve McNair was retired at 36, the average American will not retire if they do at all until probably 70. Now retirement for pro athletes is entirely different than the retirement of normal citizens. Many are still young enough to play mentally, however physically it's a different story all together. Most don't take retirement lightly, they have problems adjusting to life after football.

Ask Lawrence Taylor who turned to crack cocaine after his retirement. Many others become addicted to prescription drugs or even selling drugs after retirement. Why? They need something to fill that void in their lives that all that adulation created, they miss the excitement, the energy, the contact and other things that go along with playing the game.

I think and this is my own opinion, to fill that void in his life Steve replaced it with women.

This is why I suggested above that Sahel Kazemi is a victim as well. She was a 20 year old impressionable woman and into her life walked this man who was much larger than life itself.

He wined her, dined her, bedded her and for all intense and purposes was about to dump her. Now the police speculate that Sahel committed this tragedy because Steve was not about to leave his wife as she had been led to believe. I call this speculation absurd.

If they were together while he was married it wouldn't really matter if he stayed married or not. Nothing would really change by him getting a divorce, even if he chose to marry her. They were already in a relationship.

No, I think that this tragedy occurred because in her mind she had convinced herself that he really loved her. He had shown her love, kindness, financial and emotional support, took her on trips that she could only dream of and made her feel special like no man before him had ever done.

In return she gave him all that she had, love, trust and herself. This young beautiful woman believed everything he had told her. Why shouldn't she? We believed him enough to buy products he hawked, or to made donations to his charities or Foundation. If we believed him and we only knew him from watching him on that idiot box in our living room, why would a young impressionable woman sharing his bed not?

In the end it wasn't the premise of him not leaving his wife that caused this horrible event. It was decided the night, when she realized that Steve had lied to her. The night that she discovered that there was another woman he was seeing as well.

We've all had heartbreaks, none are ever good and we each deal with them in our own ways. I've known people to stop eating, lose sleep and weight, go on drinking binges and worse, in an effort to dull the pain of a broken heart.

People have said that heartbreak is the worst pain any person should ever have to suffer. I agree, I've had my share, and recklessly I even caused a few.

So now, try to place yourself in Sahels shoes for one moment and look at things from the eyes of a 20 year old trying to come to grips with the fact that a man she adores, a man bigger than life is cheating on her with another woman.

Remember when you discovered a man was cheating on you? How did you feel? What were you thinking? Anger, revenge, hurt, disgust, pain, suffering, confusion and more is what comes to mind when I think back. These are feelings I pray no one ever has to repeat or go through.

As I said, we all respond to heartbreak differently. Very few people (luckily) chose the path of Sahel. We can all say that she could have done something different, but we weren't her were we?
We can only speculate how she could have really felt and even then we'd come up short.

How many people have made the statement, "If I can't have you, then no one will" in a relationship? It happens all the time, love is a contact sport even if we don't believe it is. Hearts are broken at will, we fail to realise that our dealings with people are actually dealings with raw emotion. We have to take responsibility for our actions, we need to look at all of our relationships from our significant others point of view. Ask yourself, how will this decision I make effect them? How would you feel if the role was reversed? Don't you deserve to know?

If we refuse to learn from this incident and begin to examine our relationships closely from both parties vantage point then this type of incident will occur again. The next time, it may not be a professional athlete, it could be you or I for that matter.

Love is not a game as some have handsomely labeled it. It's life, and in this case, death.

Sahel is not the monster that the media portrays her to be, she is simply another victim of this so called game called love. We do her a great injustice by not viewing her as what she really was, a young impressionable young woman caught up in a web of lies and deceit. A woman who dealt with it the only way she knew how, removing the man she loved from this world and then following after him.

I pray that no one ever again loses their life in the name of so called love. I call it this because as I've said in many of my previous posts, it is wrong to ever love anyone more than you love yourself.

I end this by saying goodbye to both Steve and Sahel and I hope that we all can learn from this unfortunate incident, so that it may never repeat itself again.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post.

God Bless

P.S To anyone whom feels the need to bash this post for whatever reason of their choosing, please save it. I'm too busy mourning the unnecessary loss of two beautiful people to really care.

10 Things no Woman should allow any man to talk her into....

2009-09-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

Men can be pretty persuasive. They've been known to talk women into almost every poor situation imaginable under the disguise of love. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times that when a man starts a sentence with "If you love me", what comes next is going to be disrespectful to you as a person, a woman and an individual.

Real love has no conditions, there is only love. Therefore there should never be any situation that arises that calls for you to prove your love for him. None! Anyway, this statement is not about real love but rather more about showing how much more you love him than he you.

He is really saying that if you love him so much more then you love yourself then you should be willing to humiliate, disrespect, degrade or brand yourself to show it.

This is especially true of young impressionable women whom have yet to understand that they are most times being manipulated by men who really are only passing through their lives and have no real intention of being with them long term.

The sad thing is that it's hard to explain to someone on the threshold of adulthood that the decisions you make today, can and will haunt you for years to come. One of the sad truths of life is that we cannot go back and change the past. Whatever is done is done, so you my dear young lady really need to think about whatever it is that he's asking. If it's something that makes you pause and have to carefully think about it, it probably shouldn't be done period. After this point it may be wise to also evaluate your relationship as a whole because he probably isn't the right man for you, or any other woman for that matter.

Before I get the the list of things that you should not allow men to talk you into, I would like to take this time to tell you a true story about a friend of mine and a terrible guy that she was convinced loved her.

I had been in the Middle East for approximately three weeks when one morning my phone rang and it was a young female family friend. We exchanged pleasantries and then she got down to the reason for the call.

She worked as a sales associate for a leading retailer in Torrance California and had been arrested for theft of merchandise from the store. This really threw me for a loop because she came from a very affluent family, and she was always so level headed despite being a young 20 years old.

To make a long story short, after probing I discovered several interesting facts. She had met a guy who was in his mid 20's several months before I had left the Country. I had no idea about this relationship and therefore I hadn't the opportunity to meet him. Her parents of course also hadn't met him at this point, which I found interesting.

She also went on to tell me that she had recently discovered that she was 9 weeks pregnant. I was really disappointed by this revelation, however she's an adult and I had to respect that. Of course her parents also knew nothing of this either.

Digging through all this I finally convinced her to tell me what happened to make her get arrested. What she told me really upset me and at the same time I felt sorry for her. This is why: Her new boyfriend talked her into working a scam at her store in order for him to make some cash. The scam was that he would walk into the store, select an expensive item and then take it to her register where she would enter the item into the register as a return. He would then be issued cash in the amount of the item for merchandise that he had never purchased.

In retail they call this "Theft by deception", and it happens to all associates from time to time. However, when it occurs too often then Loss Prevention gets involved and identify that no associate is that unlucky. They review the tapes and realise that the same guy is making these false returns to the same associate and "Boom", the associate is arrested because she is a willing participant in the theft. This is what happened in her case, red flags, ending in her arrest.

I inquired as to who's idiotic idea it was for this reckless act to occur? Knowing her, I already knew the answer. Her new boyfriend had lost his job and convinced her that with a child coming he needed to make some cash until he could get another job. He ended the conversation with, you guessed it, "If you love me you'll help me with this."

Above I stated that I was disappointed in her, and I of course let her know that in a very stern tone of voice. I also was very sorry for her because she was going to have a child with a man who had no real love for her whatsoever, which meant that she would have him in her life for a minimal of the next 18 years.

I don't even have to mention that this man over the course of a few months had taken a young woman with a bright future and gotten her pregnant, cost her her job, made her a felon and ruined her parents dream of her completing College in the near future. How? All this was accomplished with false "LOVE."

Needless to say that I informed her that she was to contact her family attorney, inform him of how and why this situation occurred. I instructed her to inform him of who's idea it was and then ask him to attempt to cut a deal with the prosecutor. The last thing she needed in life was to go through it with a felony record.

I also informed her that she needed to inform her parents (who were paying for her education, apartment and car) of the relationship and pending grandchild. It was only fair for them to know what was going on in their daughters life and how it would affect them.

The last I heard (she won't call me because she thinks I'm pissed at her), her family is raising the child (their choice). She finished the degree she started, she got off with probation and the ex-boyfriend is nowhere to be found as expected. She was lucky to have caring and understanding family, otherwise this could have been an even worse disaster. Hopefully she learned something from all this, just because a man says he loves you, doesn't make it so. Make sure his actions match his words, please. Oh, and for the thousandth time, if he says, "if you love me" he really doesn't!

Now, lets get down to "Things no woman should allow men to talk her into", shall we?

1) Tattoo his name on your body: I see this walking down the streets of Vegas everyday. I cannot help but to wonder what the hell do some women think about. What happens if he leaves you? Or you leave him? Do you think that the next man you meet really wants to read another mans name on your body? Any man that suggests such a thing is really only interested in showing the world that you are his property. Is that what you want to think of yourself, someones property? Children's (yours) names are acceptable, but some guy that you're going out with, one who doesn't have the decency to even make you his wife? Not a chance in hell. To be honest with you, men shouldn't do this either. It's not a true expression of love, it's an expression of ownership!

2)Video taping your private moments: I think Kim Kardashian is possibly one of the most beautiful women on the planet, I really do. With that said, it was no surprise to me that she and Reggie Bush are no longer together. When that video of her and Ray J hit the Internet many people speculated that it was for publicity. It may have been, but at what price?
Men are fickle characters, we do not even like to think about what women have done with previous lovers. How do you think we feel when we know that there's a video of your sexual activity making the rounds? Regardless of how hard we try it's simply not really possible for us to block that out of our minds.
Even though we know you may not be a virgin the day we meet you, in our minds we convince ourselves that you are a virgin to us. We constantly remind ourselves that before us there was no one, we block your former relationships out of our mind. Unless there's a tape which becomes a testament that there was sex before us.
So unless you're doing it for publicity (if you think it's worth it) then you should never ever allow any man to film your sexual romp with him.
Why would you anyway? That's what we have memory for, tell him to utilize his if he wants to remember what it was like, but don't give into his pleads to film it. Once that tape is completed it could eventually land in any ones hands especially if you two end the relationship on a bad note. Many women have been blackmailed with these same tapes that they so readily agreed to do, under the thought that no one would ever see the tape except them. I can assure you that if he made the tape, some of his friends have seen it as well. Why? Because unworthy men love to brag about their exploits, even at your expense.
Sending graphic text photos are the same thing. You only think he's the only one that will see it. Wrong! He's likely to brag that he can talk you into doing anything, even something as degrading as sending him nude photos for he and his friends to oogle over.

3) Have his baby out of wedlock: When a guy you've been dating for a short time begins to talk about having a child, you should be weary. He'll start talking about how much he loves children and cannot wait to have one of his own. It may sound sweet to you because you'd never been with a man who expressed himself this way. Generally most men are not so forthright about having kids until they are married.
Now do we have kids before marriage? Sure we do, but generally they are not planned. In these instances we accept it for what it is and some of us man up and become the father we're supposed to be. Others, they run, telling people that the child is not theirs and that you were sleeping with other men as well. In short, they simply don't know how to be men and don't want the responsibility of being a father or pay child support.
So when you have this man talking about you having his baby, red flags should erupt! Why? Because this is rare in a man. If he talks about getting married to you and then having a child, good for you, he's probably sincere. If it's simply lets have a baby, he has an ulterior motive. What he really wants is to cement his place within your life. He figures if you have his baby you'll never leave him. These men tend to be insecure, abusive and extremely jealous with bouts of kindness in between.
If you have a man like this and you're only utilizing condoms for protection against pregnancy, you may want to get a back-up such as pills as well. If he really wants to cement his place in your life, punching a small hole in a condom is a easy way to get what he wants and pass it off as a miracle baby.

4)Having an Abortion: It is no mans place to tell you to have an abortion. Men have no idea the trauma women suffer from undergoing this procedure. I know more than my share of women who have confessed to me that they would do anything to have not had that situation have happened to them. They regret it years later, they have experienced depression and guilt over it.

The strange thing is that although they do not know one another they both informed me that they only had an abortion because the man they were with at the time talked them into it. Telling them things such as, "We're not ready for a child" or "We have plenty of time to have a child later."

They thought these men would be with them forever. Now, years later these men are gone and they are left with the memory of this experience that they cannot shake.

No man has the right to make that decision. As the late great Tupoc said, "No man has the right to tell women when to create one." If this situation arises, the decision should be your own, not his. You have to live with it, he doesn't. He doesn't have to go through the procedure and many times he will be absent anyway. Men most times create all these excuses why you should have an abortion but he never tells you the real reason he wants you to. Most times it's because he is a sorry ass excuse for a man, who enjoyed the activity that led to the pregnancy but refuses to accept the responsibility that comes with it. He is unwilling to commit to being tied to you for the next 18 years and therefore he wants to eliminate the possibility.

So if you are in this situation, it's your decision to make. Yes you can listen to what he has to say, but the final decision should be yours and yours alone.

5)Believing that his baby's mother is crazy: I read a quote by a woman once who stated that there is a special place in hell for women whom do not help other women. If there is it's bound to be filled with women whom allow men to convince them that the mother of his child was a crazy b**ch!
If you as a woman are confronted with this situation, it is in your best interest to investigate for yourself.
If you allow him to make you believe this to be true, soon it could be you that he is telling his next woman is crazy. You should start by taking a look at how much if any interaction he has with his child? Then look at what type of financial and emotional support he's providing?
I can assure you that if these two things are absent, his only recourse is to convince you or any other woman he becomes involved with that she's the culprit. Where in reality he's actually a sorry excuse for a man. Do you want or need a man in your life like this? If he will not provide and accept responsibility for his own child, what makes you believe he'll do those things for you and God forbid you make the same mistake and have a child with him as well.

6)Sleep with his friend: Sounds crazy doesn't it? But it happens, especially in younger women. It goes hand in hand with that statement, "If you love me." Again this is a situation where he knows that you love him a lot more then he cares for you and you're willing to do any and everything he asks to remain with him. I saw this play out many times when I was in College and thought it only appropriate to list it here.
No man should make such a request of you, for any reason. If this request is made you should reflect back on your relationship and pin point the time you allowed him to stop respecting you as a person and a woman. He didn't just suddenly feel he could make this request, he'd built up to it over time by doing other disrespectful things to you.
If this has happened to you, chances are there is a video of you floating around somewhere as well as nude photos. This man has no respect for you and probably never did. If you are with him now, chances are you have little respect for yourself as well. The longer you stay in this relationship the better the chance that you'll eventually lose any remaining respect you may have and lower your already rock bottom self esteem.

6) Steal or help him steal: Oh, we already covered this in the beginning of the post.

7) Co-sign for him: Credit is an important factor in our everyday lives and keeping your clean is paramount in everything from buying a home to getting a job in some instances.
Co-signing for anyone is a risky adventure and for a boyfriend it's even more so. One of the best signs of irresponsibility is credit rating. Why allow your life to be disrupted by his inability to be responsible? You shouldn't and he shouldn't even ask you to, however he may. Why? Because he feels that if he's sleeping with you, then you owe him something.
You owe him absolutely nothing, in essence, he owes you for allowing him the opportunity to be with you. Now, what you can do if you chose is to assist him with repairing his credit so he can get his life on track. Don't do it for him though, simply show him how its done and see if he's responsible enough to follow through with taking care of it. If he doesn't, then you may want to cut your losses and move on to a man more stable.

8) Believing he will leave his wife for you: No he won't, he may tell you he will but really it's to give you false hope so that he can either sleep with you or continue to sleep with you. Men who are married understand that if they are not happy in their marriage there is this thing called divorce.
If he really was going to leave her he would have done so long before he met you and convinced you to listen to his bulls**t! He simply wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is simply playing the numbers game, seeing how long you'll hang on and continue to let him have his way with you before you wise up and move on.
Why would you want a man that's married to someone else anyway? Especially one that is willing to cheat on his current wife with you. What type of character does he have? None! He's dishonest, untrustworthy, a liar and a cheat. You my pretty can rest assured that he has no respect for you or his wife and as one intelligent person so eloquently put it, "Any man who divorces his wife to marry his mistress, leaves a vacancy in that position." Is that what you want for your future? To eventually be with a man that you know is incapable of being loyal? I really hope not!

9) Sleeping with him without some form of protection: I wish I had a nickle for every child born into this world for one night of unprotected passion. I'd be wealthy beyond my dreams and yours as well. As a single woman you should always have some type of protection, there is no excuse for being ill prepared.
Many men like the thrill of throwing caution to the wind, unfortunately it's at your expense. To take this chance is much too risky for my taste, as it should be yours. Pregnancy is the least of your worries. Ever hear of STD's, particularly HIV?
As a single woman you should have in your purse at the very least a small pack of condoms. This way when things get hot and heavy unexpectedly and he goes into the mode of saying that he doesn't have any protection, you do. All men have said and will continue to tell women that they will not make a mistake and they don't need any protection. They make promises that they'll get up in time or the overall biggest lie of all time, "I'm stirile or had a vasectomy."
Either way you need to always be prepared, because if not and you allow him to talk you into this reckless behavior not only will you be taking a chance of creating a life, you may unknowingly be taking a chance of losing your life. With that said, do you still think it could be worth it? I didn't think so. Always be prepared for the unexpected, carry your own protection.

10) Assisting him with doing anything illegal: I know some of you have those boyfriends that lend excitement to you and your life now. However, years later when you look back on this time in your life you'll try to offer it up as youthful indiscretion. Assuming that you are afforded the opportunity to look back on this time.
So many women have gotten into fixes that they cannot get out of based on the man of their choosing. They've been talked into assisting in drug sales, carrying unlicensed weapons, receiving stolen property and more.
What happens when you decide to become an adult? It's difficult when you have a felony record over your head, trust me. How do you tell the right man when he comes along that he cannot take you to Paris on your honeymoon because you cannot get a passport because of a felony record you picked-up during your youthful indiscretion years? It happens!
I remember in LA in the mid 90's when a female decided to date a member of one of the cities gangs. For whatever reason she after a period of time decided to severe the relationship. He of course had other ideas and while she and her sister were on their way to work at prominate jobs on a Military installation, he and some friends pulled along side them and fired a single shot.
This single shot killed her sister instantly!
Just thought you may want to know that these things do happen and if you fail to select the right man it can just as well happen in your life.
If he is living a life of crime, albiet a interesting one it comes with a terrible price. You need to deciede if you're willing or able to pay this price when the day comes to settle up the debts.

Hopefully some of you can take some of the things I've wrote here and learn from it. For those of you that chose to ignore these things, I wish you luck. All of us seek someone who will appreciate us for who we are and not who we were. This is made easier when we identify people who mean us no ill will and respect us as people.
As a woman you may deal with many men before you meet that right guy, hopefully those that you spent time with before this meeting will not have left any negative residue on your soul and spirit.
Please be careful and never allow any man to talk you into anything that can be considered degrading or disrespectful to you as a woman and a human being. You deserve better then to be minipulated by someone under the guise of love. Remember, what you do today can affect you and your future for life.

Anonymousmale1

Why most Women continue to settle for Bad Men

2009-09-11T21:15:00.001-07:00

Every woman on the planet that has ever been involved with a man that was not worthy of her has asked of herself these questions..."Why can't I find a decent guy, Why do I always meet the wrong men and When will I find a man who really loves me?" There are other questions that are asked of ones self as well and they all equate to the same issue. You've once again selected a man who is unworthy of you and treats you like shit. Regardless of how much you love him or how many promises he makes, you know in your heart that he'll never ever change.
What are your alternatives? You can get rid of him and find another man but past experiences have shown you that after several months you'll be right back in the same situation. You'll still be miserable, unhappy, unappreciated, unloved and insecure about his possible motives.
In the end most women tend to adapt the attitude that all men are the same. They become bitter and cold hearted to love because as with everything else in our lives when we continue to lose we stop wanting to play.
For many years I felt that women were simply attracted to men of little worth. I thought that a bad boy was what all women wanted. The type of guy that keeps you on edge and puts excitement in your life is what I assumed you all wanted.
I thought women loved being with a man who was a smooth talker that kept you waiting and wondering if he really cared. I felt that you ladies enjoyed being taken advantage of and that you enjoyed all the drama that these men afforded you, by cheating, lying, stealing, disappearing for days on end and being worthless.
After writing this blog for more than a year I have learned differently, thanks to all the women that took the time to write to me and to teach me. I've found out through readers like you that what women really want is to be loved. You want romance, security, passion, friendship and a partner that will stand by you through everything that life throws your way.
You know what? It's everything you deserve and every woman should have and can have if she can only recognize why she ends up with less than a stellar mate. Do you know why you are attracted to men that are unworthy of you?
You are attracted to them because you failed to keep a promise that you made to yourself as a child. There, I said it! You broke your own promise to yourself and now you suffer for it with every bad relationship you enter. Every time you select a man based on the same criteria as the last you broke your own promise and broken promises are on the same level of broken hearts, they hurt. However, this time you're breaking your own heart, by not being true to yourself.
[polldaddy poll=1982142]
[[polldaddy poll=1982142] poll=1982142]Now, before I tell you what that promise you made was I really need to prepare you that what I am about to write will possibly hurt many of you and anger some. I am counting on it, anger and frustration are the means to make you see the truth and if it's directed at me but helps you I welcome it.
The Promise:As small children we are influenced by everything that enter our lives, this includes parents, the boyfriends of parents, girlfriends of parents and their ideas of love and relationships.
This is how we learn as children, by observing the good and the bad. If your mother had a bad relationship with your father because he wasn't a worthy man you observed it and learned from it.
If your father wasn't around and your mother had boyfriends or you had a step father, their relationship influenced you and still influences your relationships to this very day.
If their relationship wasn't a positive one you learned from it. You also picked up your habit of selecting wrong men at this time. Any man who was not a good man in your adolescent life left an impression on you that you carry to this day.
It is said that women tend to seek out the qualities of their fathers (or men performing the father role) in the men they date or possibly marry. If these qualities weren't good, then you are seeking someone today that you do not want or really need in your life.
If that man was uncaring, unloving, untrustworthy, abusive, selfish, worthless, mean spirited, a cheater, lazy, shiftless, or worse these are the traits you could be looking for in the men you select today. Why? Because you are familiar with this type of behavior and you accept it as normal. It became normal to you because you had nothing to compare it with when you were in the most influential stages of your life.
To make matters worse, if your mother accepted these bad qualities as well, it possibly made you feel that this is the way all love is and although it is not it's all you knew.
I often wondered why some women shy away from good men, and I always suspected it was because they never trusted true love. When a woman finally meets a man of great character, she spends most of the relationship anticipating when things are going to go bad. When things don't, she unconsciously begins to sabotage the relationship because for it to be this good it didn't feel normal or natural to her. This is basically because she'd never been exposed to how real men treat women in her earlier life, therefore making this type of good behavior seem more like a ruse to get her to let her guard down. By accepting this good relationship experience for what it really is could be more heartbreaking in the end if she doesn't prepare herself for the problems she anticipates will surely come. In her mind, these issues such as jealousy, arguing, cheating, lying and abuse are a real part of the relationship process. The absence of them signal that the man is pretending, and eventually they will show up because to her all men are the same. When the drama fails to arrive, she begins to create drama herself in an attempt to make him show that she was right all along.
The promise as I stated above was this: As a young girl, you promised yourself that the man you chose would be nothing like the one you observed growing up. Have you kept your promise?
If you had then you probably wouldn't have suffered heartbreak, verbal abuse, being cheated on, being lied to and maybe even being physically abused.
Can you change this cycle of selecting unworthy men? Absolutely! However, the first step is to forgive yourself for breaking your own promise. Then you may want to look back to the types of men that you were exposed to in your youth and then try to remember what it was that you disliked about them to begin with.
Once you have determined what faults they possessed that you hated to begin with, take a look at your former boyfriends and your current one and see what they all have in common. If they possess the same traits you'll know you were right as a child. The only thing to do after that point is to keep your own promise and steer clear of these types of men, looking rather for men of higher character and standards.
It will not be easy I am sure, however the first step is to be honest with yourself and look deep inside of you. If you cannot be honest with yourself, you cannot be honest with anyone. So ask yourself, is this situation a possibility?
As for me, what I wrote may have some merit. I am not a psychologist, I am simply a realist. Some of you may read this post and say I am wrong, it's OK. However, you will also have to entertain the thought that I may just be on to something. If this is not a possibility, then the idea that boys whom grow up witnessing physical abuse in their homes tend to become abusers themselves can not be a possibility as well. However, we all know that this is accepted as fact.
I see no other reason that beautiful, caring, intelligent women continue to attract unworthy men. Women are much too smart to be doing this out of need, for as women you can have any man of your choosing especially decent, god fearing men. How else are we to explain the cycle of women whom constantly date unworthy men? The response of, "All the good men are either married or gay" is simply unacceptable. Now, remember the guy that you observed as a child? The one who made your mother cry, verbally abused her or worse? He's the same guy that you may have allowed into your life on more than one occasion. You are an adult now, you make your own choices. Shut him out of your life for good. Allow only men of great character to have an opportunity to be your partner in the future. dispel all the beliefs that a nice, gentle, caring, passionate man is myth. They are not, they really exist and when you meet one, let the relationship take it's course. It may feel unnatural at first but if you give it time you'll grow to understand that what you were used to having was really unnatural and this time it's the way it was meant to be. Before I go let me remind you of something. "The girl is the Mother of the Woman." You are now a woman, take the advice you gave yourself as a young girl. Never date a man who does the things you disliked then, just as you dislike them now. If he reminds you of your childhood, avoid him and seek out a man of better character. I hope this helps, I really welcome any feedback on this issue. Please let me know if you feel this could actually help you or even if you feel it's B.S. I really want to hear what all of you have to say.

Why he didn't call, making it a One Night Stand

2009-08-24T01:33:00.000-07:00

So you met this nice guy at the club. He was polite, charming, attractive (or not) and you two hit it off right away. There were sparks in the air and and the drinks were flowing and before you knew it your clothes were in a pile next to his on the floor.

The next morning or a few hours later depending on his staying power, you wake up and you spend the first few minutes wondering how you allowed this to happen. Then after shaking the cobwebs out of your head you remember all the sweet things he whispered in your ear and you convince yourself that you two may actually have a future together.

Why not? He's cute, nice, gentle and he said he respects you. Whats so far fetched about you two being a couple, after all you just slept with him so he must be special, right?

Wrong! Men, as a general rule do not continue dating women that they met and slept with in the same day, week and most times month. We simply don't do it. You've just became a participant in a One Night Stand.

Women and men view sex differently as I am sure we all know. Women generally have sex for love, men have sex for recreation if it's possible. As one famous person so eloquently put it, "Women need a reason to have sex, Men just need a place."

However, since this incident has occurred and he hasn't returned any of your calls lets take a look at why he probably won't be calling anytime soon.

Men are insecure and shallow, can we all agree on that? If we can then lets go back to the moment you two met. Chances are that he was actually looking for someone to hook up with and he met you. After talking and laughing with you for awhile he probably had a moment of clarity where he realised that you were actually a wholesome, beautiful and intelligent woman.

It was at this point that he thought that maybe, just maybe you could actually be a nice woman to spend time with. Possibly even become his girlfriend if things went well. During this time frame he would have become really sincere, polite and affectionate because now that he was getting to know you the thought of hooking up completely left his mind.

For the next hour or so he was totally in to you and the possibility of things becoming more were not only good but almost certain. During this time period you were completely safe and he was open, caring and generous with you. You two probably exchanged phone numbers and discussed going to the movies or dinner in the near future. You were doing great at this point.

He was possibly thinking how great a catch you will be and how he'll show you off to his friends who would go insane with envy. Remember, you're beautiful, smart, caring and warm hearted, things that men really look for in a girlfriend.

Now the problem would come later, when you became so comfortable that you allowed yourself to be kissed by him. Any kiss during this time is bad but when you allowed it to turn into a deep passionate kiss, as the night went on he began to look at you differently and you didn't even notice. This kiss which possibly involved some inappropriate touching shook him out of the mental zone that he was in and placed you right back to being a possible hook-up.

When you decided to invite him to your place or accept an offer to go to his, you had already sealed your fate and didn't even know it. You could have recovered, had you suddenly declined all his advances and promises to respect you, but you didn't.

So now you're laying in bed wondering if everything he said the night before was true. Would you two be going to a movie, dinner or elsewhere? You convince yourself that everything is cool, you're both consenting adults and you like him and he assures you that he likes you. Even before he leaves or you depending on who's place you're at he gives you a nice kiss and says he'll call you later.

The call hasn't come yet and you're beginning to worry that he may not call. So you call him and get his voice message. You leave one, then two messages in your most cheerful voice saying hello and telling him that you were thinking about him. You convince yourself that he is busy and he'll call once he gets the messages but secretly you know he will not.

Why won't he call? Because you made it a "One Night Stand" for him.

He was at a happy point with you and when those kisses started to flow he began to doubt if you were the wholesome girl he thought you were. So, he had to try and see if you really were the girl he was hoping you were or simply a girl looking to hook up.

When you allowed the situation to go to the next level (SEX) you completely lost him! Why? Because silently he was rooting for you, he wanted you to be that girl that he could get to know slowly and hopefully ease into a relationship with. He was hoping that you were the girl that was like none other to him and in the end, he was disappointed, although he would not tell you this.

Remember how I just said that men are insecure and shallow? Let me put it into prospective for you using this situation as a model. He will not call you for two reasons and here they are: 1) His view of you after the sex is different then before the sex. Before the sex you were great, a keeper. Now, that you slept with him he cannot date you because he's concerned that he is not the first guy that you slept with within hours of meeting. His idea of you being wholesome was crushed. His idea of who you are was crushed, he went from wanting to sleep with you, to no, she's a keeper, to oh shit I am going to sleep with her now! He cannot handle that, few men can.

Reason #2 is: Why should he call you? Should he call you because you allowed him to sleep with you? From his vantage point there is no mystery to you anymore, your whole relationship was for whatever amount of time you two spent together that night. Men wait months to sleep with a woman whom they adore, it's the most intimate anyone can ever get and you allowed him this reward after several hours. It was that easy, too easy for him to ever be comfortable with.

Just like women, men talk, I am sure you guys know this. Just like when you're with your girlfriends and they say, "So, how did it go?" Well, his friends probably said something on the lines of, "So, you spent the night, did you get it?" Even if he lied and said no, they'd know he was lying. Hell, he spent the night with you on the first meeting. This increases his level of discomfort of the idea of pursuing you as a possible love interest.

He will not commit to a woman whom he simply did not earn the right to be with. It's to hard for him to erase the thoughts that this is something you have done before and could possibly do again. We love the things we earn and disrespect the things that fall into our laps without much effort.

Now, before many of you cry that he wanted it as well. I am sorry but to be honest with you men expect and hope that you will be the one to put a stop to the possibility of it ending in sex on the first date. Providing that they are really attracted to you of course. Because if you do, silently you make us proud and confident at the same time. We walk away thinking, she's a good girl and if I couldn't get it on the first date I know damn well no other man has or will succeed in getting her to.

With that we become comfortable with the idea that where we met you is of no concern because you are a good girl, a keeper. The one we can take any amount of time with to earn our keep and be really happy that we did. Come to think of it, so will you.

Knowing when to Disengage from a Dying Relationship

2009-08-19T01:37:00.000-07:00

Being in a relationship has been compared to being on drugs, the highs being really high and the lows being the pits, both end with withdrawal symptoms. Unfortunately when the relationship begins to go sour we tend to do what drug users do, we chase the Dragon.

We do any and everything in our powers to get our relationship back to the way it was when we first started it. We try so hard to reclaim those feelings and the excitement that went along with it that it makes it nearly impossible to let go of a relationship that in our hearts we know is not only dying but on life support. The only thing left to do and the most humane thing really, is to pull the plug.

We've all been here haven't we? At one time or another in our lives. It's a hard decision to make, sorta like, should I stay or should I go? You run all these scenarios through your mind and you convince yourself that with enough prayer, hope and wishes your relationship can survive. You feel as though if you pull the plug on it the guilt of giving up will eat you alive. Couple that with the feeling that you really believe in your heart that your partner will change back to his former self and you'll wake up and discover it was all a very bad dream.

We all go through these feelings, both men and women. However, one noticeable difference is that women seem to hold on so much longer. They believe that the men they love will revert back to the person they fell in love with. They believe with all their hearts that somewhere within the man that they are clinging to is the guy who used to make them laugh, make them feel safe, make them feel cared for. They feel and hope that he'll snap out of it before long and things will be the way they were.

I am sorry to tell you this ladies, but it rarely ever happens this way. When your partner changes in a relationship in a negative way towards you and the way he once treated you he's gone he just hasn't bothered to tell you yet.

Women have this way of glossing over the faults of the men they love. You tend to make excuses for his actions to your friends and loved ones. How many of you have told people close to you that his change is because he's under stress at work or for some other reason? When secretly you feel helpless because you really know that stress has nothing to do with it, he simply changed.

Your only question should be, is the changed version the real him and he fooled you into thinking he was someone else? Or is the change because of someone else? Tough question to have to ask yourself, huh? Only he knows and I am sure he's not about to tell you, yet!

So when things change to a point where you are not sure who he is, how long should you wait to see if he will change back to who he was? Until your relationship is dying and you don't know what if anything you can do to repair it?

How many promises to change should you allow him to break before you pull the plug? One? Two? Three or more? Is there any acceptable amount for you?

Here's something I did when I had girlfriends in the past and the relationship began to go south. We all have to admit that changes in the way someone feels about you are subtle at first, but if you pay attention after several changes you see that they become magnified.

When things that were important in your relationship are no longer important to him, that's a change you'd better not ignore. Things such as talking to you daily on the phone, or seeing you at least twice or more a week. Think back to the beginning, he was adamant about these things, now they're not as important, why not? What the hell changed?

When it's not important for him to make sure you're safely home from work, or he begins to arrive later and later to pick you up from work. That's a change and you need to recognize it for what it is.

When he fails to show up without calling you, or begins to consistently break preplanned opportunities to spend time with you. That's a change, especially when this was important to him in the beginning.

When he starts to give you a multitude of excuses for his absence or tardiness, that's a change! Especially if this wasn't happening when you first began the relationship.

Every girlfriend I ever had before I got married, I can tell you the exact moment I knew the relationship was going to end. Honestly! Why? Because I watched the changes begin and I addressed them with the person and after accepting the apologies and hearing the stories I allowed them three and only three more opportunities to make a mistake that I felt affected our relationship in a negative manner.

I always stuck to this formula because although I may have been in love with them, I loved me more. You have to love yourself more because if you don't neither will
he or anyone else. By loving yourself more it makes it easier to disengage from the relationship therefore saving you the heartbreak that will surely come.

When I say disengage from the relationship I am saying it meaning that you should slowly begin to let go. Mentally and emotionally you should be preparing yourself to be without him. You should begin sooner than later and by the time you pull the plug it will be because you've come to the realisation that you can actually live without him. Why? Because you began preparing yourself when the cracks first began to form. By the time he has made and broke his 3rd promise to change you're ready to move on.

The only alternative to this is to attempt to force him to change back and as I said before, in relationships this very seldom happens. When men change drastically in a relationship, generally it's because they are ready to move on. Sorry. Holding on simply makes the pain that much greater. Preparing yourself is the best way to survive without suffering too much heartache, and if you disengage at the right time you'll suffer little effects if any.

The good side of this method if you haven't figured it out yet, is that it leaves him wondering if you ever loved him to begin with. Who has the broken heart now?

So if you're in a relationship right now that has started going south, start disengaging from it now. Address the issues with him in a calm fashion, listen to his promises to change or any other stories he cares to tell you and remind yourself that you need to protect your own heart, no one else will! Show how much you love and respect yourself by simply letting go slowly. Don't give him any more tears, he doesn't deserve them and you deserve better anyway. After the initial conversations about the issues if there is no change it doesn't matter because you already know what the end game is going to be anyway.

Nothing in this world is permanent, it's all temporary. Life on this planet is temporary and so is some of the love that men will profess for you in the beginning of relationships. If he cannot hold up his end of the deal and love you forever, you really don't need him. Especially when somewhere there is a man looking to do exactly that, Love you forever!

Why the way he Kisses you says more than you know

2009-08-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

Most people say that there are no true aphrodisiacs other then human scent. You know the smell of a male or female and the effect that it has on one another. I disagree, I think that the one true aphrodisiac in the world is a kiss. Not the peck that you plant on the check of your friend or family member, but the deep intense kiss that you receive from a man of interest.
You know the one I am talking about. The kiss that makes you weak in the knees and slightly moist in the region slightly above them. The type of kiss that makes you feel as though the room is spinning and you have butterflies in your stomach just thinking about it. The type of kiss that makes you blush just thinking about it now.
How many women of you have had this type of kiss and although it was a first or second date, because of it's intensity lead you to go further than you had planned. Many women have been fooled by a long facial embrace and mistook it for what what it could lead up to and not what it actually was, passion. If the passion and the chemistry are just right anything can happen. How do you think women end up in one night stands?
Since I brought up the topic of "One night Stands", let me take this moment to explain something from a mans prospective on this phenomenon. One night stands usually become that because one party believes that the intensity and passion can never be re-created and therefore there is no reason to try. The mood, feelings, emotions were as such that to try to make anything out of it would be foolish. Not! I sounded like a man huh? Trying to rationalize why men take advantage of women. Sorry about that, I'll try to stay on point from now on.
The kiss, women love it. Men do as well, however they tend to down play it to maintain their masculinity. Very few men run back to their friends and boast about how good a kisser you are. Sorry. However, women do and men know it. Therefore to get you into the mood and into bed we put a whole lot of effort into that first kiss when the time comes.
As men we know that if done properly, you'll melt and we can have our way. If not right now, very, very soon. If we fail to bed you at this time, we simply want you to walk away with that feeling in your stomach that you've just been kissed for real. No pressing of lips or that cheek thing that we all do to relatives and close friends, but seriously, deeply and intimately kissed that will have us on your minds all day and night, and conjures up images of things we will do to you in the near future. Our goal as men is for you to walk away thinking that you've just had "your last first kiss!" That's how good we want it to be.
Kissing like this is personal, deeply personal. Why do you think that as a rule Prostitutes refuse to kiss clients? For this very reason, if done properly she wouldn't make much money for one. She'd possibly feel that she had feelings for her customer and therefore become uncomfortable with charging him for making love to her. That, and the fact that pimps make it a rule that they are never to kiss any client on the lips. Remember "Pretty Woman?" Julia Roberts roommate chastised her for kissing Richard Gere, stating, "Didn't I teach you anything?"
Do you remember the first kiss with the one you are with now? I know that you do. Now my next question is when is the last time he kissed you like that?
Men don't remember kisses, I am sorry to say. After awhile we tend to kiss you like that only when it leads to making love. This is sad, because if as men we remembered that the way we kissed you in the beginning continued long after we captured your heart we would never ever have to worry about you becoming content. We would never have to worry about any other man taking our place. We would never ever have to worry about our relationships period!
I've been married for quite some time now and I make it a habit of kissing my wife like the first time at a minimal of once a week. Why? Most men would ask. Because I need for her to understand that I still desire her after all these years. I don't do it for the sex, although it helps sometimes, but I do it because I want to be the one on her mind. I purposely do it sometimes before she leaves for work, because I want her to think about me all day. I do it before I leave for work at times because once again, I want her to think about me all damn day. I want her to know that the passion and fire that ignited with our very first kiss years ago is still burning hot years later and I desire her just as much today as I did then and more. Why you may ask? Because if you really want to keep someone forever you have to show how you feel about them, each and every day. Nothing shows how much you care as a real, deep, meaningful kiss to say, "I still love you and only you!"
Now, for each and everyone of you that have a man, ask yourself this question? When was the last time he kissed you and really meant it? When was the last time that he kissed you and you said "WOW"? When was the last time he kissed you and it made you want to stay home from work just to spend the day with him? If that time was too long for you to remember, it's time for you to remind him. Let him know what he is missing and how the lack of this passion is possibly wrecking your relationship. Because if the passion that started the fire is not there anymore, then you're only in the relationship because you're content or comfortable and possibly both.
Women need passion, it's what makes them beautiful. They glow when there is passion in their lives and you are no different. Make him assist you in rekindling that passion and make you feel desired because you deserve it. All women deserve it and you my beautiful one are no different.
If for whatever reason he simply will not conform to you suggestion, politely explain the obvious to him. Every women is delighted to know that for every women that is married, or in a relationship there is a good man that wishes she weren't! He'll get the hint and hopefully the passion will return. For your sake I hope it does, you deserve it so much, to feel like everyday is the first day of your relationship. To be desired by the man you love and who loves you and expresses it in his kiss, like the very first kiss you two ever shared.
Now I must leave you, my wife will be home shortly and I need to remind her just how important she is to me and how much I love her still to this day. And you know what? I'll be doing it with a kiss, the exact same type of kiss that made her mine years ago before children and a mortgage and car payments and work and everything that we men use as excuses for not doing our job as men. Because in the end, that one slow, long passionate kiss makes everything we've been through worth it. She doesn't know I know this, but I do. Hopefully your man does too. If not he's depriving not only you but himself as well.
See you soon,

Anonymousmale1

12 Things women do that assures he will cheat.

2009-06-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

The question of the day is, "Why do men Cheat?" That is a question that can never correctly be answered. Men cheat for different reasons and although we do think alike, each relationship is different. Therefore answering that question utilizing all men as the target subject is virtually impossible.

To assume all men are cheaters is irresponsible. Many men don't cheat for whatever reason. Now we all know that the men women like to call dogs cheat, however simply because he cheated once doesn't necessarily make him a dog. Being a dog takes practice and skills, being an opportunist does not make a man one.

If you really feel the need for a simple answer to this mysterious question to make you feel better then Steve Harvey has a easy one for you. He states that men cheat, "Because they can!"
It sounds good. However before you accept that simple explanation you need to look at it from a different prospective.

If you as a woman control 50% of the relationship and influence 100% of it, what does that statement say about you? Interesting huh?

I chose to approach this subject in a different manner, I don't have the answer as to why men cheat. I know why I cheated on women, but that's just me. Every guy I know that I have asked that question to gave me a different answer, only a couple told me that they did because they could. The rest had different reasons altogether.

So since I cannot honestly tell you why they cheat, I figured I'd do the next best thing and tell you the factors that you control that contribute to the possibility of him cheating on you. Some of the things I am going to tell you may hurt, the truth usually does. However, rest assured without pain there is generally no gain to speak of. What I tell you here today may not assist you in your current relationship, but hopefully in your future one you'll reap some benefit from what you learn today.

Before we move on though, lets first define cheating so that we're all on the same page, OK?
For the purpose of this post I am going to assume that we will all classify cheating as a man being physically involved (sexually) with a woman other than the one he is in either a married, engaged or boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Willingly participating in this situation with disregard to the promises to his so called true love (wife/ fiancee/girlfriend) of being honest and loyal.
Hopefully we all agree to this, or at least we all understand what we feel cheating is?

So lets get started with "12 Things Women do that assures he will Cheated."

#1) Getting into a relationship and not defining your role. Too many times do women go out with men on several dates and then sleep with him and not truly know where they stand. She assumes that since you've been intimate that they are now a couple. However, he may be thinking that it's simply two adults taking care of one anothers needs. You have a right to ask him (and not over the phone) if you and he are an item or just friends. Preferable before you jump into bed with him. If you don't close that loop hole fast he may take the opportunity to pleasure himself somewhere else and you have no recourse because you and he are on different pages. Be an adult and ask, don't assume anything in a relationship, ask!

#2) Disrespecting yourself: Men treat you the way you expect to be treated. You set the tone and he as well as other people in society follow your lead. How many of you have worked in a job where the boss yelled and screamed at certain people but avoided that tone with others in the same office? He didn't scream at those people because they were bad at their job, he did it because they allowed it. The people that he didn't scream at, it was because they wouldn't allow it! They had too much pride and respect for themselves to allow someone to disrespect them, including the boss. This respect started the first day they went to work in how they presented themselves, and if not then, it occurred the first time he attempted to disrespect them and they corrected him sternly.
When I look at some women's My Space pages, Facebook, even Twitter Bios, I see women describing themselves as bitches, whores, players and so on. Why in the world would any self respecting man be attracted to a woman who disrespects herself? He isn't, which leaves you to select from the men who do not respect themselves or you.
By describing yourself in a loathsome manner, the men reading this will treat you exactly based on your own opinion of yourself. You've already described what you think of yourself to the world, why should men treat you any different? Men will not take you seriously and cheating on you will most definitely be an after thought because to him, you really don't matter. Because even in your description of yourself as a bitch, he will assume that you'll be just that, a bitch! So of course if he's good, you'll be a bitch and if he's bad you'll still be a bitch so he has nothing to lose.
I'd suggest you think clearly about describing yourself in a manner that will attract real men and not dogs. However, that's really up to you.

#3) Listening to your Heart and no one else: When another female tells you that the guy is a known player (dog) it could be a ploy to keep you from being with him. However, when several women tell you the same thing, it's fact! He has cheated on women before you and more than likely he'll cheat on you too. Why fool yourself into thinking that he'll change just for you? Oh, I know, because you're special, right? Well guess what, so were the other girls he cheated on.
This is the easiest way to become a member of the "Broken Hearts Club." Listen to what people are saying about a man you're interested in, jealousy only goes so far and then truth begins to surface.

4) Telling your damn business: It's always said that men tell each other their personal business. No, lets be real, women do it as well and many of you have had your man sleep with your so called girlfriend because of it.
Lets face it, not every man can actually perform sexual marathons. So if you have one of these men it may be wise to keep it to yourself. Especially when some of the girls you call friend is with someone who may last 3-5 minutes on a good day.
Hell men do the same thing, especially when they are not sure if you are a keeper or not. It's easy to tell, especially when all of the sudden you have one of his friends attempting to be extra friendly with you for no apparent reason.
Once my girlfriends best friend gave me a condom while we were visiting her. The next day she called and informed me that it was for she and I. When it's that easy it's hard to say no. She told me later my girlfriend had told her everything I had done to her and she wanted to experience it for herself.

#5) Not making him appreciate everything he has (you): My daughter asked me for a new bike. Being a father it is hard for me to tell he no, so of course I went out and bought her one. I got home with it and I was excited as she was. However, my wife was pissed! She thought my daughter should earn the money to purchase her own bike and she assured me that I would regret denying her the opportunity to do so.
Well, I regret it now! She rode that bike everyday for about a month. I just donated it to charity last week. It sat on the patio for months until the tires became flat and the dust became so that you couldn't tell what color it was.
Why did this happen? Because since she didn't earn it herself she didn't appreciate it. Now her Ipod is totally different. She saved for it, worked for it and you'll never see her without it and it's going on a year. Damn, I was stupid!
The moral to this story is this: Anything given without effort will surely not be appreciated and this means you! So think about that when you've been with a guy for a couple of weeks, a month and you have that itch to take the next step when you know he really hasn't earned that right.
Months later while he's running around sleeping with someone else you'll feel like that bike I just donated that was discarded on the patio. Then in the middle of the night when he hasn't came home you'll be saying what I said, "Damn, I feel stupid!"

#6) Using sex to get what you want from him: Some women although they profess their love for a man have this habit of holding back on the intimate side of the relationship until it fits their needs. There is nothing worse for a man to care about a woman and when you want to make love to them they give you all these excuses. I am not saying these excuses aren't valid, I am just saying!
However, whenever they want something, the sex instantly becomes available. Oh, I saw some shoes at the mall I would live to have. Or, I am short on my rent or phone bill.
Most men have no problem with assisting the women they care for with finances. However, when sex is based on our bank balances a problem arises. I think some women do this and probably don't even realise it. Hey, but men realise it, you can bet that!
You can also bet that he's thought about it and is already making plans to replace your ass with someone a little more compassionate and a lot less expensive. However, most guys believe that you shouldn't leave a woman until you have a replacement for her. So, yep! He'll be cheating on you for a little while, so get prepared.

#7) Refusing to acknowledge the obvious: His words doesn't match his actions anymore. Things in the relationship have changed while you weren't looking and you cannot understand why. He goes out and doesn't call or even ask if you'd like to go with him. He guards his phone with his life and he gets text messages on the regular.
You haven't been out together in months and you haven't seen his parents or family members since you first started dating. You don't talk anymore and he always seem distracted and when his phone rings he looks shocked (because you're there) and then makes a reason to go out.
Well, he may not have cheated yet but more than likely it's inevitable. You can stick around if you want to and go through the final phases before your heart is ripped apart. Or you can acknowledge whats going on and confront him. This way you can try to repair the relationship or end it and spare yourself the pain of what is coming.
Either way you should do something because if you do nothing it'll only get worse. He may not have done anything yet, it could be in the planning stages. He may think you simply do not care anymore because it didn't happen overnight and you remained quiet. Say something and hopefully he'll snap out of it and remember he loves you and only you!

#8) Not paying attention to his friends: We've all heard this, "Birds of a Feather", right? If he's your man and he has friends that are known dogs, you may have a problem. Especially if he spends a great deal of time with them. He may resist for awhile but if you drip water on a rock for a great deal of time, eventually the rock will crumble. Don't tell him he cannot spend time with them, however it may be wise to attempt to limit the amount of time if possible. Particularly if he spends time with them and doesn't invite you each and every time. Why should your man be out with them around woman you have no idea who they are and you cannot be there to speak on his behalf as well as your own?

# 9) Failing to take care of his sexual needs: It's frustrating to be with a woman whose sexual drive doesn't match my own. That "I have a headache" B.S. only goes so far with men and then masturbating becomes ineffective after awhile. Sometimes it simply wasn't meant to be and this is a sure fire way to be cheated on. He may love you for who you are however his needs are greater than yours and it's inevitable that eventually he'll find release elsewhere. It amazes me that women fall into this situation. When you first begin making love it's constant and once real love is established it's gone. What, you guys think we only wanted to make love that much because the relationship was new?

#10) Being too modest during sex: Hey, I draw the line at anything that causes pain. However, there are things that men like to do and if you will not do it, there's a shit load of women who will.
I've known women who didn't like oral, giving or receiving. I liked them but not enough to spend my whole life with so I moved on.
You want to know what men's fascination with prostitutes is? Because if you pay the money you can do anything you like, anything you'd like to try. Then her ass leaves with no emotional ties what so ever until the next time.
Also, sex is too much fun to be serious! Look at the faces we make during the act. It's enough to make you want to laugh. So if he wants you to dress up like a school girl or get butt naked with nothing on but a pair of red socks, do it, he'll be happier and so will you. It'll also make him stay home and out of trouble.

#11) Having a male or female friend that makes your man uncomfortable: We all have friends prior to starting a new relationship do we all agree on this? However, when you have a male or female close friend that makes your mate uncomfortable it could cause him to stray. How so, I am sure you're thinking?
Well, sometimes you may have a male friend that you have been friends with for years. Hell, he could even be an ex-boyfriend for all your new man knows. When asked about it, if you don't properly describe the nature of that friendship it will lead to more questions then answers that you have. If done incorrectly your new man will never accept your response regardless of how truthful you may have been. For whatever reason most men are intimidated by the thought that their woman has a male best friend. There is simply not enough room for two men in your life. That's the way men think, also I am sure that if your male friend has a girlfriend, she's thinking the exact same way as your boyfriend.
Female friends are different. I know we all refer to the same saying about friends: "A friend is a person who knows everything about you, and loves you anyway." You've heard that saying right? You've also heard the one I stated earlier in the post, "Birds of a feather, flock together." Well, if your female friend has a reputation for being, how shall I say, loose, then your values could be questioned. You know how people like to talk, right? It's sad,, but that's life.
It only takes one sorry ass person to make a false statement that links you and her to doing something your man may not approve of to start the ball rolling.
Once he's not comfortable anymore and becomes insecure in the relationship, cheating is unfortunately a possibility.
So think about your current friendships and make sure you define each male and female friends so that your man understands the roles they have in your life and make sure your friends understand your mans roll as well, so there are no misunderstandings.

#12) Gossiping: Its unfair to say that all women gossip, because we all know that men gossip just as much and this phenomenon has nothing to do with gender. Bored people tend to do it because they have nothing better to do. Some people do it because it gives them an identity, they want to be the person that seems to know it all.
Unfortunately for you, if you gossip, the signal you're sending to your man is that your relationship with him is boring. If you're so engrossed in other folks business you're really not paying much attention to or tending to your own.
Chances are your man will become bored and frustrated with your meddling in other peoples affairs and the drama that comes with it. Not to mention that eventually some gossip will return about you placing an unfavorable light on you. This gossip may be true or not, but at this point to your man it probably doesn't matter after awhile.
Another thing that happens is that some of the females that you like to gossip about so much will eventually and unfairly target your man in an attempt to get back at you. He may fall for this tactic, and he may not but it will not matter because it'll come back as he did just to spite you for gossiping too much.
So tend your own garden and leave other peoples alone and not only will your man be happy, but you as well.

These are just some of the reasons that men cheat on women. Like I said earlier there is not one simple reason that men stray, it's a multitude of reasons that can cause this to happen. The ones above are just to give you a small glimpse of what to look for in your own relationship and possibly change it before it becomes a problem.
Hopefully, you're keeping him content and busy with you leaving him no time to wonder anywhere else. A friend once told me, "Smart women take up all of their men's free time. Therefore eliminating the possibility or need for him to stray." Be a smart woman and you'll both be happier in the end.

20+ Questions with Anonymousmale1

2009-06-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

I've been writing this blog for over a year and in the process I have met and assisted a large amount of women from around the world. Recently I had a young lady write and ask me several questions about myself and although I couldn't answer them all (security reasons), I answered as best I could.

This made me think, there had to be questions that other women had about Anonymousmale1 that they would like answered so they could get a better understanding about the man behind the name.

After mulling it over, I determined that it was only fair to allow a glimpse of who I am as a person and why I feel and think the way I do. I thought it would be unfair to simply write questions and then answer them myself, this way wouldn't be beneficial to anyone but me. I felt it would be best served to allow women to send me questions and I would answer them as honestly as possible.

So, I asked several of my readers whom I have the privilege to also call friends, to send me questions that they would like to know the answers to. Several sent me a list of their questions and for my post today I will be answering one writers questions for you all to read.

If you as a reader have any questions you would like to have posted and answered here, by all means send them to me and I'll make it happen.

Todays questions are compliments of the beautiful young woman on the left who hosts a blog of her own. Her name is Courtney and you can follow her by going to http://www.courtneysit.blogspot.com/ So please stop by and check her blog out and say hello.

So now, lets play 20+ questions with Anonymousmale1!

Questions for Anonymousmale1

1• At what point did you think you were as mature as your age?

I think I matured beyond my age by years when I was 16. My father passed away and although I was the youngest boy my family looked to me for guidance and direction. That's a lot of responsibility for a young man. As for becoming as mature as my age, it was around the time when my son was born and I realised that I now had someone that would be depending on me for years to come.

2• If there was one absolute piece of advice you had to give every female - what would it be?

That the biggest test that men have for women is how long it will take him to sleep with her. If you fail this test you will never be more to him than another pretty face on a piece of a--. You see, if you are intimate with him too soon you will never earn two valuable ingredients to insure a solid relationship. Trust and respect!

He will not trust you because although he thinks you slept with him because he is special, however he also knows that other men feel they are special too. He will always be wondering when you'll run into other special men and what they may get you to do.

He will not respect you because in his eyes you don't really respect yourself. So why should he respect you? If you did respect yourself, it would have taken him much longer to be intimate with you. Your morals will be questioned.

Men are fickle, they want sex and then when you give it to them they use it against you. They do this because they want to feel good about themselves. Women who hold out long enough are considered possible marriage material, too short they are called bragging material. Which would you liked to be called?

3• What would be the one thing you would like to teach the male species?

Any idiot with a penis can be a dad. But to be a father you first must be a man. You have to accept responsibility for your child's welfare and well being. You have to be willing to sacrifice your future for the sake of the future of the child that you helped create. If you are not willing to make this type of commitment, then I would suggest that you either always wear a condom or stay home and masturbate rather then ruining two people lives, not to mention your own.

And for all of you guys whom are running around talking about the children you have that you fail to take care of, please stop classifying yourself as a father. You have no idea what being a father really means, so stop lying to yourself and others.

Being a single parent is hard for a woman. She trusted you and now you want to paint her as the bad guy. She's may be, but then again you're not much of a man so you lack the skills to sit down and explain to her that it is important for you to be in your child's life although you two are no longer together. Explain to her that although things didn't work out between the two of you, there is no reason that the child should suffer. Take responsibility, be a man and work it out for the sake of a child who didn't request to come into this world through your piss poor judgement.

Support the child financially and emotionally, be there to create that bond and do exactly what you said you would! In time the mother will accept the arrangement and it will be better for all three of you, especially the child because they really need fathers in their lives.

4• Do you believe in Karma? And has it ever come back to haunt you?

Hell yes! I had a girlfriend once that I had feeling for but I wasn't nearly in love with her as much as she was I. I did all the things I wasn't supposed to do being in a so called relationship. I had to go away for a few months and while I was gone I discovered she was with someone else. I was crushed. It was at that moment that I realised that I did love her, but it was too late. My heartbreak was Karma for all the wrongs I had done to her. It took me months to recover, but as a man I still learned nothing from the lesson until years later.

5• Other than family, what is the one thing you can not live without?

The ability to read. I love reading books and articles. I would by far rather read a book then to see the movie.

6• What do you regret more? The things you haven't done or the people you have hurt in life?

The women I have hurt in life by far. I've pretty much done almost everything I set out to do in life and if I could change anything I wouldn't with the exception of apologizing to every woman I ever disrespected. That's part of the reason I write this blog. My little way of giving back, although it's still no enough.

7• What was the hardest personal battle you had to face?

I once had a girlfriend and we were together for several years. Everyone thought we would be married. However, there was something people didn't know. She and her mother weren't very close, however she and her father were really close.

Once she had told me that while driving with her father one day he has spotted the daughter of one of his collegues holding hands with a guy of a different race. He had pointed it out to her and informed her that if she ever married anyone from outside her race he would disown her.

I really loved her and thought that she would make a perfect mate for me, because she was the woman who taught me it was alright to trust women again. She was beautiful, smart, funny and supportive. She also had her own opinions and I loved the debates we would have. That was a great time in my life.

She accepted a position as a TV reporter in a town not far from her family and the deal was that I would come at a later date once I cleared all of my cases in Hawaii.
Once she left I determined that I wouldn't go. I knew that I couldn't marry her because it would cause her so much pain if she lost the love and respect of her father, especially since she and her mother weren't very close.

If I married her and for whatever reason it didn't work she would be left with no one. She's lose her family because of me. I on the other hand wouldn't lose anything. My family would love me regardless of who I chose to marry.

After careful consideration and much anguish, I broke off the relationship and told her to move on without me. She was heartbroken, as was I, but I thought it was best.

Years later she married a nice guy (of her race) they have two beautiful kids, her father is happy and she's closer then ever with her mom. I am happy for her, I really am. She has no idea I used to check on her from time to time, but I needed to just to make sure that I made the right decision.

The hardest thing any man will ever do is let someone go that you truly love to ensure their happiness. The first few years were the hardest and I doubted my decision daily. I am relieved that it worked out for us both.

8• What has been the hardest question to answer from one of your followers?

The hardest question has been "Who am I?" I cannot really answer that. Right now I know two things about myself, 1) I am not the man I was 2) I am not the man I am going to be because I am not finished growing as a person. So this makes it difficult for me to answer who I really am at this point in my life. Of course I have a name, but I think that is unimportant at this time.

9• In your opinion, is there such thing as women with too much power?

Only when she doesn't have humility.

10• What is the most discerning quality you admire most in women?

Patience. Sometimes as men we can be rather immature, just as we were when we were kids. I admire women who show just the right amount of patience.

11• What is the top features physical and personality that have attracted you the most?

I like all women. However, I have always been attracted to women with dark hair and brown eyes. I am 6'1, so I've always been partial to women who are a lot shorter then I. Personality wise, I enjoy the company of women who are well read and can hold a conversation on anything from politics to sports. However, I am really impressed with women who speak their mind. Having her own opinion is intriguing to me, especially when she can defend her stance. I can be very opinionated and if her opinion is always the same as mine, I get bored.

12• Have you ever come across a woman you seriously didn't like and if so, what was it about her that was so unattractive?

Honestly, I've never met anyone that I didn't like. Male or female. I've met people that I just didn't understand and they hadn't earned the right to make me want to spend my time trying to figure them out. There have been times on my job where I've met women that I just thought were real pieces of work, but then I reminded myself that they probably were nice but the circumstances caused an adverse reaction. I remember one girl that simply blew up at me and called me every name under the stars. When she was finished, I simply asked her if she felt better. She broke down in tears. She wasn't mad at me at all, I was simply to closest person to lash out at. We are all like that as people.

13• Do you believe in "love at first sight" or "soul mates" etc?

Love at first sight? No, how about lust at first sight? It's impossible to fall in love with someone you just met. You have no idea who this person is, he could be the Anti-Christ! Ha, ha. First sight states that you are only looking at his or her physical attributes, which really means it's lust.

As for soul mates, I would probably believe that if I was assured that you could have more than one. Most of the women I ever dated I thought were soul mates in the first few months.

14• When you first met your wife, did you believe that you had to change in order to be a better man for her?

Strangely enough I didn't and to make matters worse I refused! I can remember telling her that I was marrying her because I loved her, however if she changed on me and began trying to change me I would leave her. I wanted to be who I was, the person she fell in love with and if I changed any it would be only because as a couple we evolved together, naturally.

Hell, in my mind if I had to change for her then I wasn't the man she needed to be with and therefore she should keep looking for him. I can only be me, that's what I do best, me!

15• What would be your biggest personality weakness?

I procrastinate from time to time. I once had a Military shrink describe it as me not being able to function unless I was under some type of pressure. When none existed, he said I manufactured my own. It's funny now because my boss says I only perform well when I face a impending deadline.

16• What is your best childhood memory?

Sitting down with my father and talking about life. Once when I was about 14 he called me into the living room where he was sitting. On the coffee table was a bottle of Gin. He had two glasses and he filled them both. He asked me if I would like one of them to which I declined.

He then told me that day, in our living room, that if I ever wanted a drink that I could have a drink at home with him. He stated that he did not under any circumstances want me out drinking in the streets with my friends.

I didn't drink anyway, but just the idea that my father understood that I was getting older and he could take the time to sit down and have a drink with me was impressive. It also showed me that there was a way that men did things and a way boys did things and there was a big difference in the two.

Years later, my son and I had the exact same conversation in the living room of our home. He didn't drink either, but my fathers message was important for me and him.

17• What is the worst thing you have ever done to a woman?

The day my sons mom told me that she was pregnant, I unthinkingly blurted out "Are you sure it's mine?" She forgave me, but man I really wish I could erase that statement from my life, I really do.

There are other things I've done, however I am too ashamed of my past behavior to write them here. I am sorry.

18• If you didn't have a family right now, what or where do you see yourself?

I would probably be running around the world somewhere working for some foreign Government if not Uncle Sam. More then likely I'd be in Afghanistan or Iraq. My wife says I'm not normal unless there is chaos all around me. Sometimes I think she's right.

19• What did you want to be when you were a child? (always a nice thing to know)

I wanted to play for the Globetrotters. It amazes me that when I was growing up everyone wanted to play in the NBA. Not me, I wanted to have fun playing basketball. The Globetrotters seemed like fun. Later I would turn down an opportunity to try-out for the NBA and I turned it down. The game wasn't fun anymore, my palms had stopped sweating and I had a child on the way, so I joined the USAF to ensure I could take care of him and finish college. I've always thought I made the right decision, I still do.

20• When did you first learn to truly appreciate a woman?

When my Grandmother passed away. I watched how my family reacted and it wasn't pretty. It created a vacuum that we all knew would never be filled. During this time I realised that she had 10 kids, 60 grandchildren, 47 great-grandchildren and 12 great-great grandchildren. Somehow, she made everyone of us feel special. No man could ever accomplish that feat, we are incapable. She understood everyone of us and treated us as special individuals with a special place in her heart.

Because of this I've since understood why women make better managers of people then men. Because as women you possess the ability to treat everyone different but the same. Men as managers, we tend to have favorites because for whatever reason we elect to select certain people that we like more then everyone else and it shows. This seriously causes problems in the workplace.

21• Have you ever been hurt by a woman? And if so what is the difference between that and the way a man hurts a woman?

Yep, and the one that still stands out in my mind is my very first love. There is no difference, heartache is heartache. Men however tend to suffer in silence and we have a habit of letting our feelings consume us for years to come.

As for me I made a promise that I would never feel that way again. So for years, instead of having just one girlfriend, I would have several. That way if one left me, I wouldn't really care.

It seems silly now, but that was my safety net. many men still subscribe to this way of coping with a broken heart. Today, they are called Dogs!

Luckily, women generally don't think this way. They don't condemn men as a whole for the heartbreak caused by one. However, they do become cautious, but that's a good thing.

22 • What is the biggest thing you have done to impress a woman?

I once flew half way around the world to attend the birthday party of a girl I had went out with twice. Surprised the s--t out of her, she hadn't expected to see me for another 10 months. Because of that trip she understood that I was really serious about her. We dated for a couple of years, but my constant travel killed it in the end.

23• Do you believe in the concept that men should go after woman and not the other way around?

I think that although our society is changing, it is more productive for the man to chase the woman. Many people will disagree with me but it just seems more natural when the man is chasing. When a woman is pursuing the man it tends to make him feel a little bit uncomfortable. Personally, I never had a relationship with a woman who chased me. I slept with several, but I simply couldn't make a serious relationship out of it because of the way it began. Call it role strain if you will.

24 • What is your favourite colour?

My favorite color is Blue/ Royal blue to be exact.

25 • What is your favourite movie?

I like all types of movies, however my favorite has to be "Silence of the Lambs" I love books by Thomas Harris and the movie with Anthony Hopkins and Jodi Foster was amazing. For me to enjoy a horror movie or thriller like this I have one criteria. It has to be believable! Otherwise I cannot sit and watch it. I've seen this one about 20 times and I love it every time.

26• What was the most important lesson your parents taught you?

That I could be anything I set my mind to. My father used to tell me that he didn't care what I became as long as I became the best I possibly could at it. I tell my children the same thing.

Hopefully the questions and answers have provided some insight into me as the man behind Anonymousmale1. If you have your own questions, please send them to me at anonymousmale1@gmail.com I'll be happy to answer them if I can.

**Special Thanks to Courtney Sit, courtesy of http://www.courtneysit.blogspot.com/

10 Things to help you get over your Broken Heart

2009-04-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

Weekly I get e-mails from around the globe and recently I noticed a spike in the topic of being heartbroken. Going through heartbreak is one of the most excruciating things anyone has ever had to go through and regardless of if it's your first time or 5th time, it still hurts like hell. I was once told that there are things worse than death, being in love with someone who no longer loves you is one of those things.

There is not much anyone can say to make things better, the pain remains and the only real cure is time. One of the main reasons I continue to write this blog is to load women with as much information as possible about men, hoping that you will be able to identify, respond, and adjust to any changes he may attempt to put you through before it begins. Hopefully this way, you can either correct the behavior or get out with your heart intact or at the least lessen the pain because you were able to end the relationship on your own terms.

I've suffered heartbreaks, (yes, men get hurt too) we generally don't show it as much as women. We tend to suffer in silence. So for any of you ladies that are going through this right at this moment I understand your pain and anguish.

I know what it is like to feel as though you cannot breath, to want to scream at the top of your lungs, but you feel no one will hear you. I've been there, days when I couldn't eat or sleep, when every little thing that you hear or see reminds you of better days. Days when the world was alright, with you and your significant other.

I too have to admit that I have had those fantasies that something happened to me just to make her have to show she still cared by coming to the hospital to see me. I know these feeling and any other feelings you might have endured or are enduring right at this moment.

Music and aromas are the worst when trying to get through the pain. Just when you think that you may be alright, that you just may live another day a song comes on the radio and takes you back through the whole process again. Or worst yet, someone walks past you wearing that special fragrance and it hits you like a ton of bricks and you want to die all over again.

This is a part of love that we cannot escape, it's bound to happen to us all at least once in our lifetimes. After the second time I went through this I had two choices, I could grieve over a dead relationship ( it was my fault anyway) or I could embrace the pain and see it for what it really was. I chose the latter of the two. I chose to embrace it, because to do so I was embracing life and it's lessons cruel as they may be.

Whenever you've had your heart broken you should rejoice, why? Because you have shown you are capable of loving someone and the pain you feel is only temporary and it's there to show you that you are alive. When it's over and your heart is healed, reflect back on it and use this as a tool for all future relationships. You will be glad that you did, I was.

The one thing that I pray never happens to any of you that go through this situation is hardening of the heart. I think that it is a shame when anyone evolves into this type of person. It's sad and it's wrong to allow anyone to hurt you and then cause you to refuse to love again for fear of being hurt again. Some people simply grow callous over their heart and regardless of who the potential new mate may be he can never penetrate the surface of her heart and she misses out on possibly meeting the right guy. He could be the guy that was destined to be her soul mate, but by choosing to close off her heart he can never get in.

I've met women like this over the years, they don't trust, don't believe and refuse to think that anyone can be true to them. What they really fail to understand is that the man that hurt them, he's still controlling their behavior long after he left and that's a shame. Generally this happens to people who chose to love someone more then they love themselves. To do this is wrong to begin with, true love begins with being able to love thy self first and never loving anyone more than that, for you are special. Loving yourself is a true sign of self respect and confidence.

We live, we love, we win and sometimes we lose. Regardless of the outcome it is still better to have once loved and lost, then to have never loved at all.

So now before I bore you to death, lets get started on why I am writing this post to begin with. For you and your friends who may need this, here are 10 Things to help you get over a broken heart.

# One: Breath. This may sound silly but when you love someone and they stop returning the love it can be difficult to do the simple things in life. When things get bad and in the beginning they most surely will, just remember all you have to do is breath and you'll make it to the next day.

# Two: Try as best you can to keep your personal business just that, personal. When you tell friends and family too soon about your break-up they tend to get involved and at times they without knowing it can appear uncaring. Especially when they tell you, "Get out there and meet someone else." Before you are ready, or try to set you up with someone. Blind dates are the worst, especially when no one tells you and you are expected to hold conversation with someone you've just met and your mind is really miles away.
Another reason to keep your business personal is that until you know if it's a permanent break-up or not it's best you keep your thoughts to yourself. Too many times do women out of frustration say the wrong thing about their ex only to take him back a few days later. The problem is that in your moment of pain and frustration you told a friend and now she may have told several other people within your group and now secretly (although they won't tell you) you're considered a fool for taking him back.
So keep your thoughts to yourself until you determine if it's really over or not. It's really embarrassing when you tell someone something really hurtful about your ex and then you two get back together and it gets back to him. That's not cool at all.
Also, avoid any of his friends that comes to so called check on you during this time. They only want two things, one is to possibly take advantage of your weakened state or to run back and feed him information on you. Either one is not good for you right now.

** Important** Always remember a secret is something we tell our best friends only. However, what happens when our best friend has a best friend, who has a best friend and so on. Get the picture? So keep secrets to yourself and you'll never have to worry about it getting out.

# Three: Get out and get a change of scenery. Don't lock yourself in your bedroom or in your apartment for that matter. Get out and do something, anything as long as it's healthy. Try running or going to the gym. It's easy to forget things when you're busy doing something else. Change the places you used to go with you ex. If there was a certain mall, restaurant, bar or park that you two frequented, find another one just for you. New places with new faces are always good.

# Four: Find a new friend, someone you know but not that well. Someone who does not know your ex or what you're going through. Your close friends, although they try to help, sometimes they make things worse during this period. Have you ever had that girlfriend who always said that she didn't like your ex to begin with? It doesn't help you or your heart to hear her gloat over the fact that she feels that she was right about him all along, does it? I know she's trying to make you feel better but this is simply not the right time or the message you need to hear. A new friend, someone you already know but haven't hung out with would be nice during this time. Even if you two just go to a mall or dinner in a place of her choice (because she was not in your traveling circle before) will be good because she probably knows many people and she'll introduce you to them. Meeting new people is always good during this time, seeing old friends brings back too many memories. Also, your new friend will not be able to give you any negative comments about your ex because she didn't know him. It could drive you crazy talking to old friends because now that you and your ex are no longer together everyone feels the need to tell you a secret they knew about him. Some friends huh? Why didn't they tell you this before it could have saved you some heartache.

** Resist getting a new male friend. It can make for a awkward friendship and cause more damage then needed. Especially if he feels the need to comfort you and in the end it starts something that you really don't need at this point, another relationship. This could also cause irreparable damage to your other relationship which may or may not be completely over. If you're confiding in a man about your ex, you can bet it will be permanently off if you ex finds out.

# Five: Visit parents and family. They will know when you arrive that something is wrong, however they will probably wait until you are ready to talk to them. They also know that there is a chance that you two may get back together so they will refrain from saying anything negative about him. Also, during this time the love that they show you will help you get back on your feet quickly.

For me it was my older brother, he always had something to say that would make me think things through and place me on the path to recovery.

Once when I was in college, I discovered that my girlfriend who was at a different college was dating someone else. I was crushed. I couldn't eat, sleep and I was miserable. My brother came to my room where I was acting as though I was watching TV, but in reality I was sulking. He asked me this question and I'll never forget it: " Was she your wife?" I stated no. He went on to say, "Man, these things happen to people who are married and sleep in the same bed each and every night, she's just your girlfriend." "What makes you so special that it could not happen to you?" He went on to remind me that I hadn't seen her in close to a year, then he ended by telling me this, "Women have needs, wants and desires and if you are not there to fulfill them someone else will." I had never thought about how our separation might have effected her, I had only thought about myself. Hell she had a life to live too, with or without me. I felt better, I was still crushed but that conversation started my recovery.

# Six: Do all the things you wanted to do that he wouldn't do with you or refused to allow you to do. Embrace your emancipation you are free, begin to act like you are free and you'll start to see just how much you've been missing. Whatever it is, if you want to, then go do it. As long as it's healthy and doesn't hurt anyone, especially you. Oh, by the way try to resist radical changes such as dyeing your hair green or getting a tattoo on you face, changes this radical will make people wonder if you've lost your man and you mind. Also refrain from excessive spending to sooth your heart. It may feel good, that is until the bills start to roll in. Then you have created a new problem.

# Seven: Take a trip. Go for a drive to a different town and visit people you haven't seen in years. If you have the money and vacation time go somewhere you've always wanted to go. Use this time to get to know yourself. We don't spend enough me time, in relationships we spend so much time catering to our significant other that somewhere along the lines we forget about who we are. We forget about our own needs and the things we once liked to do, now you can go do those things once again.

# Eight: Get a pet if you don't have one. Small dogs are really good as well as kittens. They will help keep you entertained and keep you company. They will also take up some of that misplaced love that you've been giving away to someone who was undeserving. Dogs know when you're upset and there's nothing like coming home to someone who needs you, and receiving unconditional love. That's what we are all seeking right? Unconditional love, real dogs could teach men a lot about how to love, don't you think? Cats are great too, they are less affectionate then dogs in most cases but they still love to be scratched and petted and they like hugs just as much as you do. If you chose to do something like this, I would highly suggest looking at a animal shelter for the right pet for you. There are many pets who want and need the same thing you do, love. Unfortunately we destroy too many in this country on a daily basis. Save one and you'll have a friend for life. (This is only if you've always wanted one and have the time for one.)

# Nine: Take up writing. Write a blog about anything you'd like. It's therapeutic and you can meet lots of people worldwide. You can also use it to voice out your frustrations, you'll be surprised how many people both men and women are going through the same situation as you. A blog is an inexpensive way to be heard, costs you nothing to own one. You can get a free one at http://www.wordpress.com/ or http://www.blogger.com/ . You can talk about anything you want and get great feedback and honest opinions from around the globe. Trust me when I say that at times it can be quite addictive. Hey, but I could have worse addictions, right?

# Ten: Dive into your work. Take your extra time and focus on getting that promotion you've always wanted. Keep busy at work and time will fly. look for more things to do at work to keep your mind occupied, help others and yourself at the same time. Work can be a great stress reliever, especially if you like your work. Before when you were in a relationship you probably couldn't wait to get off, now you can get back into work, enjoy it and improve your skills as well.

At the end of the day these things may or may not help you. We are all different in the way we grieve, isn't that what we do when we're heartbroken? We grieve for a dead relationship that may or may not have been a horrible one to begin with. I've seen women cry over men that they meant absolutely nothing to. This brought me to the following conclusion, is our heartbreak really about love when and if the relationship was actually a bad one anyway, or is it really about change and fear of it?

Why else would we sit at home late at night looking at our phones, trying to will it to ring from a person who was no good for us to begin with. Could it actually be that we've become conditioned to expect and do certain things and with a certain person and when that person removes him/herself, we fear the changes that we will have to make without these people whom we've become so accustomed to being with? Just a thought.

Regardless of what I've written here, the only thing that will really heal your broken heart is time. You may not agree with what I suggested above but it's OK, if you made it to this point in this post I accomplished my objective. That was to take you away from whatever was bothering you, a break-up, heartache, frustration or whatever for the amount of time it took you to read this. Proving for that amount of time your mind was preoccupied with thoughts other than the pain that you may be suffering. It felt good I'm sure, although brief, this should show you that by keeping busy during this time will help your heart heal. Keep busy and time will move quickly and before you know it this whole thing will be nothing but a distant memory. I hope you believe that, because it's really true.

Why it's important for him to earn your Love

2009-04-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

The other day while on twitter I had a thought and decided to write it there. I had several women write to me regarding this thought and so I decided maybe I should post it here for those of you whom haven't found me on twitter yet.

Here it is:

If I gave every woman that reads this blog a brand new Lexus right off the showroom floor, for the first few months you would wash it, vacuum it, have the oil changed every 3,000 miles and baby it relentlessly.

After several months the car washes would occur less frequently. You'd probably clean the interior less and oil changes would be optional, may at 5,000 or even never again.

Now if you worked your ass off, working day and night, maybe even a part-time job because you really wanted to buy your very own Lexus things would be different. You'd wash and wax that vehicle religiously. You'd get personalized plates, you'd take it in for service exactly as recommended by the manufacturer. You'd allow no one to drive it other than you and you'd park all the way at the end of the grocery parking lot to insure that no one parked beside it and dinged your doors. And God forbid if someone sat on it, you would lose your mind literally.

Why would you treat the vehicle you purchased differently than the exact same vehicle that I purchased for you? Because with the second vehicle you earned it. You worked for it and it is yours, it shows for your hard work and dedication.

Think about this scenario the next time you allow a man into your life and fail to make him earn everything he gets from you. He should be made to prove his worthiness to be with you, make him earn the right to be with you. The most precious thing that you will ever give anyone in this life is your heart, and if you fail to make him earn it, then in a couple of months you will be just like that Lexus that we talked about in the beginning of this post.

After a couple of months he will stop opening doors for you, stop respecting you, he will take advantage of you, probably cheat on you and all in all he will make your life miserable. Why? Because he didn't have to earn his place to be with you.

We respect the things we work for, we are proudest of the things we earn. If you really want his respect and admiration, let him work towards the best thing in his life. That being, having you as his mate. You'll both be happier in the end, I promise!

7 Signs that tell you this should be a first and last date

2009-04-01T10:06:00.000-07:00

The first date is generally a nerve wrecking occasion for most women. Over time you get used to this event, however there is always that guy, that one guy you've seen around and you hope and pray that one day he gets the courage to ask you out.

When that day arrives you become a mess, what to wear, hows my hair, I cannot be late, are just a few of the things that race through your mind as the actual moment comes screaming at you quicker than you planned.

When the man that you have set your eyes on finally arrives your heart is beating so fast that you really hear and see nothing at all. Seriously, your senses are so peaked that throughout the entire night all you do is react, an throughout the date your subconsciously take snap shots of the event. These snap shots are what you generally relay to your girlfriend(s) the next day or maybe even as soon as the date is over. The strange thing is that these small bites of information that you collect is only a fraction of the overall picture of your actual date.

In your excitement you generally overlook so much more and a lot of it is bad. This is somewhat like the relationship you had with your ex-boyfriend or husband. If you wanted out of the relationship because it was horrible, months later you would recall your time with him as fondness. You will only recall the good things about him that you miss, for whatever reason we omit the bad things which is why we broke it off to begin with.

Back to your fist date: At times be it because we're lonely, are really attracted to someone or just want to go out on a date that women tend to overlook things that occur during the initial date that could cause them heartbreak later on down the road. It drives me crazy when I grill my close female friends about a date that they had been dying to go on and they insist on giving me snap shots and I ask pointed questions, to which they reply, "Oh, he probably was just nervous and didn't even realize he did that."

Trust me when I tell you that in the jungle of life predators do not get nervous, anxious yes, but not nervous. Nervousness is for prey, which most women become even before your supposed dream date asks you out.

So now, lets break down, "The 7 Signs that tell you this should be your first and last date."

*** By the way, did you like the photo? Cute Huh? We'll get back to him in a minute, OK?

1) You sit down to dinner and he has roving eyes. Every woman who happens by distracts him for brief moments.

Not only is this disrespectful to you, but it also screams that he is a dog and he's looking for his next leg to hump, right after he humps yours. Any man that has the pleasure to go on a date with you should be totally focused on you. After all, if he wasn't really interested why did he ask, or accept if you asked him?

2) He continuously brushes up against you, or creates reasons to touch you.

For a first date this is unacceptable behavior. Think about it, the only difference between him and a stranger on the subway is that at this point you know his name. Would you allow a guy on a bus to touch you if he introduced himself? Probably not (or at least I hope not). This type of behavior is inappropriate and actually signals a game I used to play. I would try to touch you to gage how comfortable you were with me. If you allowed it, I knew my chances of moving quickly to what I wanted were very good. Sometimes so good I only had to buy you dinner once! So think about that the next time some guy attempts to paw you on a date or when you meet them at a bar or club. There are many more from where I came from, believe me.

3) Continuously fields cell phone calls or text messages on your first date.

This signals one of two things; either he has a current girlfriend/girlfriends or he is in the middle of a break-up that both he and she is not sure should happen. You are simply sitting there as either prey (if he has multiple girlfriends) or a back-up in the event he loses the one he currently has. This is somewhat like hedging his bets. Really be wary of a man who lets his phone ring, not answer it and several minutes later excuse himself to utilize the john. (This is your cue to get up and leave, so don't miss it!)

All those B.S. stories about it's my sister texting, or my friend is just that, B--- S--t! As a man if I was really interested in being with you and I finally got you on a date, my friends and definitely my sister would already know. They would also have strict instructions to not disturb me because I would want all of my attention on you! Not only that I would turn the damn thing off as soon as I picked you up. Why, because if I liked you I wanted all of your attention and in return you would get every bit of mine.

4) Sexual innuendos:

You've spent all day searching for the right dress and appearance. Your hair is beautiful and your make-up is flawless and even though you're still a little apprehensive (should have worn the blue dress) he reduces it all to commenting on "How beautiful your legs are."

Doesn't sound like much of a sexual innuendo does it? However, it a sign you should not miss. Not every complement is a good one, and a remark about your legs is a prelude to remarks about other parts of your anatomy.

Other things to be cognizant of is sexual jokes and analogies. This is all an attempt to gage your comfort level with the topic and could end with him offering you drinks to loosen you up in an attempt to move things forward quickly. Also off limits is any questions about your sexual experience, if he starts with your anatomy and you do not check him, you'll end discussing the different sexual positions he likes. This is not a date, he's simply priming you. Oh, by the way if this happens to you, chances are that your experience or lack of has proceeded you.

5) He wants to change the location for the date:

First he told you he would take you to a fancy eatery. Now he's calling with some lame story and wants to go to see a movie instead. You like movies right? What have you seen? After telling him, he'll proceed to name off movies that you probably haven't seen, and once he finds the one you truly haven't seen he'll do everything in his verbal powers to talk the movie up to where you would swear it won several Academy Awards. You'll start to think, you may want to see what you missed.

What you missed was that it's a old movie and therefore not currently in the theaters. Guess what, to see it you'll have to go to his place where he conveniently has a copy. If you fall for this, check the trash can and you'll probably discover he purchased it hours before you arrived. Hey this works, if he has a good vocabulary and is determined to get you alone. I know, I utilized it a lot of times but the success rate is higher when used on a second date after I proved that I was trustworthy.

6) Takes you to a place where you're surrounded by his male friends:

If he's taking you there it's for his friends to gawk over you and then later make crude comments about your T & A. To top it off some idiot has to turn you into a bet, and to not appear like a little bitch he'll accept the wager. This is typically the behavior of college Frat guys and athletes.

The wager? Usually it's about your chastity and it ends with cash and honor on the line (his, not yours) and you simply become a x on a calender denoting you must be done by this time! Crude, yes but what else do college idiots do for fun?

A mature worthy man would never place you in this environment. If he asked you on a date, it's a date where you two could spend time together without anyone to interfere or distract him. He would be attentive, caring, respectful and open and his only focus would be on you.

*** Don't forget about that picture. Nice puppy huh?

7) He needs intestinal fortitude:

You ever go on a date with a guy and he continuously drinks, or even worse he pulled out a blunt and smoked it. Yeah, that guy. Run the next time this happens to you, OK. RUN! I have friends like this, or had is a better word.

How men ask a woman out on a date and then get sloppy drunk is beyond me. We called alcohol drinking "Obtaining intestinal fortitude." It's called this because if he's drinking with you on a first date it either because he's nervous, which to real men is having no guts to converse with a beautiful woman that he asked out. He needs the liquor to relax him. Hell, these guys if they scored a date with Selma Hyak would need a heroin fix, because they couldn't take the pressure.

The second reason is that he has a actual drinking problem and that's even worse. The last thing you want when you go on a date and your date is continuously drinking is a drunk guy trying to palm your ass and breast throughout the date. Also, if you've noticed people who drink generally display a different personality when they drink. So that nice guy that you accepted the date with, now after several martini's may turn aggressive or uncontrollable.

If he pulls out a blunt (weed) on your first date or hell on any date for that matter is an insult to you. Why would you want a man who risks getting caught with it in the first place? Not only that but what about you? Don't what you think and how you may feel about drugs mean anything to him? Probably not, so later on him. Find a guy who can talk and interact without any type of stimuli.

Laughter should be the ice breaker. Dates should be fun and it's a feeling out process, not literally but you know what I mean, right? Moderate drinking is OK, but not for you on a first date you need to have a clear head and not get caught up in any B.S. that he may send your way. Any drugs is simply not cool, sorry, Bad Boys are highly over rated. Failed piss tests equate to minimal pay and trust me, you can starve by yourself, know what I mean?

These are just some of the things that you may want to think about when considering your first date. If you observe and of the traits that are listed above then you can rest assure that unless you break away it all goes downhill from there.

A good first date is priceless and you deserve it. It should be a memorable moment that you Cherish forever or until your next first date anyway. Luckily though each and everyone of you will probably have a positive last first date. That's the one where everything clicks, he's perfect, behaves well, and a short time later you're walking down the isle. Yep! That will be your last first date and you can bet it'll be your best one ever.

Oh S--t! I almost forgot about the dog, sorry. Lets take a look at that photo again, OK? What do you see?

When I took this photo a couple of weeks ago while house hunting I came across this opportunity and immediately thought of my readers (which I often do). I showed it to several of my female friends and they (7-10) zeroed in on the cuteness of the dog. I showed it to ten male friends and 9-10 zeroed in on that sign above the dogs head.

The moral to this is that women should look at this photo as a first date. Look at all the signs, because the one that you overlook is the one that can break your heart or seriously hurt you. Regardless of how cute it appears on the surface.

How to Identify Selfish Men before it's too late

2009-03-27T09:31:00.000-07:00

For JuJu:
I received a note from a reader today and hopefully she doesn’t mind that I share the topic with you other ladies whom may be wondering the same thing. So thanks to JuJu, today’s post is about “How to identify Selfish Men before it’s too late.”
I love women, I really do. When she is in love with a man she’ll do almost anything to please him, to include overlooking the obvious. In this instance the obvious is that he’s selfish as hell and he thinks that the world revolves around him. In his small mind he feels that it is a privilege for you to be with him. The crazy thing about this scenario is that you reinforce this thought process by continuing to overlook the obvious, he’s really only into himself.
How many of you have girlfriends with boyfriends like this? Or better yet, how many of you have had men like this in the past or currently? The guy who expects so much of you and gives only what he wants in return. Generally, he’ll do things for you only to get something in return. I am afraid most of you have that man now, you probably have just chosen to ignore it and overlook the obvious.
These are men whom expect you to do things like clean the apartment, wash his clothes, make him dinner, make love to him when you are tired, take care of him when he is sick and if you have children together, he expects you to raise them with little input or help from him.
Whatever happened to a 50/50 relationship? One where he does the same or more for you, does that exist anymore? I say they do, and if you are not in a relationship that is 50/50 right now, then you are doing yourself a great injustice and wasting away your youth and beauty on someone who possibly will never change. At least not for you. He may learn a valuable lesson when your gone, if he does that’s a good thing but the next woman he is with will be the one who benefits from your suffering.
Most men learn their lesson when the woman they’re currently with is gone and he finally realizes exactly how much he actually loved her. We’ve all heard the expression, “You don’t know what you have, until it’s gone”, right? In order to ensure that we don’t meet that same fate and suffer heartbreak again (yes, men suffer heartbreak too) we learn as much as possible from our last relationship and attempt to change. Now it may take three or four break-ups for us to get it right, but eventually we get it.
Now as for the guys whom haven’t learned this important lesson, currently they are in relationships with women (or girls) who as I stated above overlook the obvious, for now. For those of you who have been through relationship blues with selfish men and seek desperately to avoid this situation in the future I’ve created a list (Thanks to JuJu) to help you identify and hopefully avoid men who are selfish and not ready to change. For those men that haven’t changed yet, you may want to bypass him for now because he’s still a work in progress.
When first going out with a man in an attempt “to determine if it may become something more, here are somethings you should look for and their abscence should be noted and carefully scrutinized later.
1) Does he talk about himself constantly as if he’s trying to impress you?
If he does it’s not only you, he probably talks to everyone about himself. This could be because that’s all he knows about and/or cares about. In the end though he’s probably just like a commercial, you know the ones where they try to make a product look better than what the actual product really is.
2) When you got into his car or walked up to a door, did he open it for you?
I know that some women want to be treated as equal, but men opening doors is a very good sign that he is showing respect, courtesy and appreciation. From the time I was able to walk my Grandfather instructed me that I should always open doors for women, all women. When I asked him about this practice when I was older, I was told that women deserve to have doors opened and chairs pulled out for them because they do so much for men and this is a sign that you appreciate them for all they do.
3) Does he bring you lunch or dinner to your work place to ensure you have eaten when he knows you are busy? Do you have to ask, or does he volunteer to do it?
Women do this for men all the time. Why shouldn’t a man return the favor? He should and it is required if he is not selfish. You shouldn’t even have to ask, he should do this without question. the 50/50 rule is that whatever you do for him, he should be willing to do for you and more. So if you’ve been with a man for awhile, ask yourself, “How many times has he brought me something to eat at work without my asking?”
4) Does he go out of his way to make sure you are safe and secure?
Would he drive to your work place late at night just to walk you to your car to make sure you are safe? Does he ask you before hanging up after a late night talk,” Are the doors and windows secure?” If he does these things it’s because he cares and you are important to him. He puts your well being ahead of his own which shows total unselfishness.
5) Does he ask for your opinion consistently and follow your advice on important matters? Or does he make all the decisions in the relationship?
Only a selfish person would make a decision for two people that effects them both without consulting the other for their input. So if he goes out and makes a large purchase without discussing it with you, he’s selfish.
6) Does he know when you are tired, frustrated, happy, or sick without you having to tell him?
If he cannot tell what your mental or physical condition is on site then he’s really not paying enough attention to you. He should pick up on all of these quickly. You should never have to tell him that you are not feeling well, he should know. I bet you know when he’s under the weather without asking and you adjust accordingly, right. Selfish people are only aware of how they feel and they overlook problems or issues that effect everyone else.
7) Does he get an attitude or attempt to make you feel guilty if you say you have a headache or are too tired to make love to him?
Women and men differ when it comes to sex. As one person stated, women sometimes need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. If he cannot understand that you’re tired and respect this for what it is, it’s because he’s selfish and only concerned with his own needs.
Would he cancel plans to go to a sporting event with friends just because you had the flu?
A unselfish man would and he would expect his friends to understand. If you’re ill he’ll want to be there to take care of you just like the 50/50 rule implies. In the event you could get an unselfish man to actually go to the game anyway, he wouldn’t be happy about it and he’d be calling you every 30 minutes or so to see if he needs to come home. A selfish man won’t call and when he comes home he’ll expect you to get up and make him something to eat because he probably drank too much.
9) Does he love his car or motorcycle more than you?
Ever have that boyfriend who has a car that even though you two live together he will not let you drive? He has to wash it every week and vacuum it out and tells you to wipe your feet before getting in? Ever had a man like that? That’s the guy who will park on the other side of the parking lot late at night so no one dings his door on this machine, then tells you to walk across a darkly lit parking garage on the wrong side of town while he stays with the car to ensure it’s safety. No concerns about you during this time, only that damn car or motorcycle. He’s selfish ladies! I don’t care how much he paid for it, he should be concerned about you that much and not a machine.
10) Will he accompany you to do something you like to do (even though it’s something men necessarily don’t do) just to be able to spend more time with you?
In every relationship there are things that the other does not like to do. I once had a girlfriend who love going to plays. I hated it, but by going it allowed me some extra time to spend with her and it was well worth it. In the end I began to like going because it made her happy and I was just happy to be with her. To be able to do this, I had to be unselfish, if not, I would have been selfish in trying to dictate to her the places I would accompany her. Most men don’t like to go shopping, a selfish man will not go with you to buy your clothes. An unselfish one will not only accompany you, but will assist in the selection of items he would like to see you wear. Every man wants to go shopping when you’re going to Victoria Secret. How about the man who will go shopping with you just to be able to spend extra time with you?
There is nothing more important to a man than when his woman shows a act of total unselfishness, like arrive on his job with a nice meal unexpectedly or to forgo plans she’d made months in advance simply because he wasn’t feeling well. Isn’t it time men returned the favor? I think so too. You ladies deserve this type of unselfish acts too, no, you’ve earned it and rightly so.
So now, just in case I missed something in the paragraphs above let me make it clear that any man whom takes advantage of you in any manner is selfish.
He is only thinking of himself if you are not his only woman, if he doesn’t properly take care of you, if he doesn’t give you the proper amount of attention, if he leaves you unsatisfied after love making and doesn’t work to correct it properly. He’s selfish if he puts anything or anyone before you if you are his true love as he says. If he will not miss a night at the bar with friends to take you to the movies, he’s selfish. If he cannot commit to just you and he, he’s selfish. If he only comes to see you when he wants something, he’s selfish. In short, if he doesn’t treat you the same way he expects to be treated by you, then he my dear is selfish.
Now the only thing left to be asked is this, “Are you selfish to expect a man to do those things that a unselfish man will do for you?” Damn right, you’re selfish but as a woman you can be, because you’ve earned this right.

Welcome to my Temporary Home......

2009-03-25T01:21:00.000-07:00

Hi ladies,

If you are new please allow me to introduce myself, I am Anonymousmale1. For the past year I have written the Blog, "Eavesdropping in the Boys Club" as a way of giving back to women for all the hurt I caused them in my past.

Yes, I was once a womanizer, player, cheater, freak, dog or any other label you care to assign me in my former life. However, I am now redeemed, I've changed my ways and now instead of creating new ways to seperate women such as yourself from your clothes, cash, dignity and self respect I spend my time attempting to teach you everything you may need to avoid men like my former self.

With the creation of "Eavesdropping in the Boys Club" in February 08, I had stated that I would only write for a period of one year and that the blog would simply disappear. Well, it didn't happen. I received some very heartfelt letters from readers like you asking that I continue in my quest to help. I was really touched by some of the letters I received and in the end decided to do two things for the future.

The first thing I did was to compile all the information from the original blog and create the book, "Eavesdropping in the Boys Club" It has all the posts that was on the original blog, plus 5 secret topics that have never been read before. It also contains comments and real letters from viewers from around the world.

We're hoping that it will be released sometime in early June 09. As a special surprise this book will be given away for a small donation of the buyers choice. The 1st year proceeds from all the donations will be given to the National Breast cancer Foundation, http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/ .

The second thing I decided to do was to move here temporarily, while we await the completion of www.anonymousmale1.com , which we are really excited about. We are attempting to create a site for women where you can ask and recieve advise about anything concerning relationships and seek help in anything from domestic abuse to stalkers and everything in between. We're also hoping to have a forum where women can share ideas and discuss relationships privately and occassionally you'll be able to chat with me if you chose, one on one. Since this site is still in the planning stages, please by all means if there is something any of you would like to contribute or would like to see there let me know and I'll do everything in my power to make it happen.

Now, www.anonymousmale1.wordpress.com will remain for a short time longer, however any postings from this date (3-25-09) will be located here. The posts that are located there will soon be removed and any new posts will be redirected to this location in the future.

So if you are a regular visitor or have it as a RSS feed, please change it to this location so you don't miss any of the upcoming posts.

Before I go, please let me assure you that I am harmless and if you haven't written to me with a question about the man in your life but want to, please do so. I promise I will answer as truthfully as possible and I will not criticize you or pass any judgement. However, I must admit and anyone who has written to me will confirm this, I am at times brutally honest in my responses.

So once again, welcome to "Eavesdropping in the Boys Club II" I hope you enjoy it here and I am happy you visited, please come back often.

Sincerely,

Anonymousmale1